Wednesday, August 6, 2008

When You Need More Than Love

OMG, where do I even start? As I contemplate even writing what I am about to here, I think to myself, "Was it even worth it? How much heartache is too much? When do I yell stop and demand to be let off the ride?" I don't even know where to even start and it's been killing me all morning since I drove home early this morning. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face and I just let my soul grieve once again remembering this familiar place and pulling up my usual chair.
Do I take the ultra romantic approach where I tell you it was all sexy being caught in the rain on Central and where we ran and ducked for cover? How we ended up being soaked head to toe and my outfit was completely ruined, but he thought I was beautiful anyway. Do I tell you how adult we acted when we saw one another and how my heart soared when we were face to face and it was like those 18 months collapsed and it all made sense at that moment in time? How about I tell you how I didn't cry until I told him, "I forgive you and if I can forgive you, I can do anything," and how he reached across the table and grabbed my hand- I just melted right then and there. Do I tell you how weak he makes me and no matter how strong I want and pretend to be, I just gave in at the end because all anyone wants is to feel wanted? Do I add that the entire time I knew I was going to feel this way, but in the end I didn't care? All I wanted was made to feel wanted, held, and given a false sense of love-I got all of that with a big pile of feeling used and useless. Do I tell you how when I got home and took a shower I sat down and cried until the water ran cold? But I knew this was going to happen. I did it to myself and have no one else to blame for my insecure sense of self at this moment in time. God this place sucks and I hate feeling like this.
I just kept telling myself, "Remember this feeling, this feeling will conquer all the negative that is going to come up. The love replaces the hurt and you will rise above the negative just as you have before. Mentally store this smell, the taste, the feeling-this feeling that you have ached for so long," BUT FOR WHAT? Why did I cling to all this hope and past? So what I could hope one day he would wake up and realize OMG, I'm so in love with her I must get her back? That never happens except in cheesy girl movies and come on it always happens in New York, not New Mexico.
I walked into his messy room and saw the items of his life, items that used to be part of my life. DVDs, books, clothes that hung in "our" closet, blankets that we slept with, and the bits that I relived and flashed back to walking out of "our" old house on that sad day. I just kept looking around, trying to picture what his life is now with me not in it. Messy is all I have to say. Chaos would be another good word to describe it. How can someone put their life back together when they don't sleep on a fitted sheet? It was all very strange being there, standing in his life- the life he wanted without me in it. It's not that great looking from the outside and so I just get more confused of why he left. But I know why he left, he wants to roam and who am I stop him? I love him too much to stifle him. So I let him go, yet again this time with less hurt attached and a little more love to lift him off the ground.
FUCK, why do I this to myself? As I searched his face for the familiar and saw the months ingrained, the soft lines around his eyes and the strong jaw line I used to kiss when he was pressed against me many months ago. I saw how he was the same, but the events of the past are still attached to his body. How well does anyone know a lover? And why does anyone still cling to the past? It's not to heal, but it's out of fear of being alone mostly. But I'm not alone and shouldn't let the events of yesterday grab a hold of me and bring me back to that dark scary place that I clawed my way out of. I worked so hard to not be in this place.
Then I hear the familiar beep of google chat and it's Aaron writing, "Hey there Miss Sara" and then I know I'm going to be ok. Maybe a little hurt and feeling used, but I'll be ok. I have finally let him go and in the words of the eternal Frank and Tony, "The best is yet to come, and baby wont it be fine/You think you've seen the sun, but you ain't seen it shine." My time will come I know it.