Friday, July 25, 2008

From Lambs to Lions

So, yea how's it going?

It's been awhile since I have been able to sit down and actually get the thoughts that have been floating around my brain onto something coherent, but I need to get them out. On Tuesday, I met with Rabbi Black and after our hour long meeting, granted it was most of my crying, I have realized that I'm ready to study and ask myself the questions that have been plaguing me for years. Now by no means do I even have the vaguest clue of what this is even going to bring up in me, but what I do know is that there is a notion inside me to seek. Seek the questions that have been glanced upon in philosophy, in my dreams, in my sober thoughts and I do believe this all goes down the road to Judaism. Why? Honestly I have no clue, but something primal inside me is yearning to do this. To figure this Jewish thing out and to accept something that is greater than myself.
To many, boy included, it sounds freaking crazy. He keeps asking me why via text message and doesn't understand why I don't want to explain it to him in 140 characters or less. "Why Judaism," he texts all while I respond, "I just have questions." Then the big J was brought up and I hit a sore spot. He has now stopped talking to me even when I told him I didn't want to even begin this conversation with him in the first place. Now I ask myself this, "How can you even ponder wanting to be with someone when you can't talk about faith issues?" You can't, it's impossible. I want someone with whom I can talk about stuff like this, we don't have to agree, but we need to at least converse about it. But not with boy, he goes back into his turtle shell and refuses to come out. It's sad.
Oh so I guess this is the end with him, it was good while it lasted. Wait scratch that. It was expensive while it lasted and cost more than it should have ever. I tried, but my actions were not well received nor reciprocated and I'm tired of giving things to him that I know I will never be given back. Time, money, energy, back scratches, and my knowledge are all things now just floating in some strange space time continuum never to be seen again. Boy is a taker and rarely gives back anything and it's a sad place to live you life in. I should have never really been in this place to start, but old habits die hard.
This next time around I won't make the same mistakes again and won't be put in this position. I won't give myself so freely to people who don't understand me fundamentally and who don't want to invest in me. I always attract the people who want and take as freely as they please, but today I am changing that. If you want my time you must contribute to me, to the world, and to humanity as a whole. I am looking for a crusader, someone who wants to stand beside me and take on the world, not chastise me for seeking questions that are are killing me inside.
Oh well boy, thanks for the time although looking back the only thing that you have taught me is that I will never give myself to someone like you ever again. Someone who just keeps on taking, rarely listens or remembers conversations, someone who doesn't write thank you cards, someone who doesn't believe in wedding rings or dresses, someone who is so self-centered, someone who likes attention but rarely gives it back (oh and when they do, all they do is complain), someone who tells me that I use to big of words or comes off as condescending-to note I had to explain to him that word, and someone who doesn't go down on girls. Never again people, this is my declaration
I need someone more than myself, someone who inspires me to make the world a better place and to question what's going on around me. I need a partner in crime, someone to support my crazy ideas yet hold me when I just fall apart and sob. I need someone who can keep up with me and my momentum and can contribute their own ideas to the grand scheme of things. I need someone who can't keep their hands off me and wants me all to themselves yet knows how to push my buttons and pushes me when they know I can do better. This is what boy lacks, inner passion for life and love and it hurts to look at him. So here I go again, all alone on my crazy Jewish quest. Oh well I knew I was going to loose some people when I started this, but let's hope that those I gain will be that much better.