New Mexico Warrior Dash 2012 Recap

So just so we all know, I didn't win. However I did have an acceptable time of 1:11:47:50 placing me 7925 out of 8396. Honestly I am just happy I didn't die walking through the sand storms, but more about that later.

So the morning of the Warrior Dash was busy, I had to take my Pilates final at 11:00 and we had to head straight from there to the battleground in Tijeras, NM. I spoke to a fellow class make and she told me that she went up there this morning as she was supposed to run at 8:30 but turned back around because she knew she was going to be late for her final. Needless to say I knew we were in for a long haul to the starting line.

The short of the story was it took us 2.5 hours just to get into and park. We crawled 9 slow miles up and down hills in the middle of freakin no where. I saw 5 different men run to the bushes to pee. We also missed our 2 o'clock run time and had to run the 3:30. The only good thing is the lady at packet pick up quizzed me on my age asking me if my parent signed my release. Well I am 26, but will still take that as a compliment.

 This is llama and I making our stink faces while crawling in traffic. 

The race was hellish. I was prepared for the course as I had studied the course layout many times, but never did it state that the entire thing was uphill. With WIND. The sand blowing everywhere was horrid and there was nothing you could do to make it any better. At one point I told myself that I would rather be in active labor and we all know I had Archer without any drugs, so life has to be pretty bad to make me ever want to go back to that point in time. 

There was so much damn crawling under barbed wire. At one point I was bleeding down my leg but then the wind came and I didn't notice my bleeding knee. 

Also the obstacles on the course looked like the Lincoln Middle School Shop class slapped them together. Plywood and 2 by 4's do not a steady structure make. By the time we ran, pieces of them had broken off due to the weight of people on them. I was greatly disappointed in the sub par obstacles that I encountered throughout the course. Also the height of the scary obstacles really took a toll on my mind. I had to calm myself down a few times as I hoisted my self 2 stories in the air while being supported on something comprised of Lowe's materials. It got so bad that I just simply walked around two of them as I did not trust the structural soundness of some of them. I literally watched them shake as llama did them. 

There were a few highlights on the course. Jumping through/over fire was exciting. So was the spider crawl. Llama's favs were the giant net at the end and the mud pit. 

Honestly I am just glad the entire thing is over, I didn't break anything and I am not stuck in that damn parking lot anymore. Oh and they gave everyone a banana at the end. The banana was awesome. 

Would I do it again? Perhaps in another state. Never again in New Mexico. Too much dirt, sand and crappy logistics. 

Now onto the pictures. Sorry there aren't any while we were in the grounds, I left my phone in the car. 

llama with his medal covered in the delicious mud/dirt

Me with my medal, I have no idea how I came out so clean. Also love the medal imprint on my boob. 

Required happy to be done with it shot.

When You Need More Than Love

OMG, where do I even start? As I contemplate even writing what I am about to here, I think to myself, "Was it even worth it? How much heartache is too much? When do I yell stop and demand to be let off the ride?" I don't even know where to even start and it's been killing me all morning since I drove home early this morning. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face and I just let my soul grieve once again remembering this familiar place and pulling up my usual chair.
Do I take the ultra romantic approach where I tell you it was all sexy being caught in the rain on Central and where we ran and ducked for cover? How we ended up being soaked head to toe and my outfit was completely ruined, but he thought I was beautiful anyway. Do I tell you how adult we acted when we saw one another and how my heart soared when we were face to face and it was like those 18 months collapsed and it all made sense at that moment in time? How about I tell you how I didn't cry until I told him, "I forgive you and if I can forgive you, I can do anything," and how he reached across the table and grabbed my hand- I just melted right then and there. Do I tell you how weak he makes me and no matter how strong I want and pretend to be, I just gave in at the end because all anyone wants is to feel wanted? Do I add that the entire time I knew I was going to feel this way, but in the end I didn't care? All I wanted was made to feel wanted, held, and given a false sense of love-I got all of that with a big pile of feeling used and useless. Do I tell you how when I got home and took a shower I sat down and cried until the water ran cold? But I knew this was going to happen. I did it to myself and have no one else to blame for my insecure sense of self at this moment in time. God this place sucks and I hate feeling like this.
I just kept telling myself, "Remember this feeling, this feeling will conquer all the negative that is going to come up. The love replaces the hurt and you will rise above the negative just as you have before. Mentally store this smell, the taste, the feeling-this feeling that you have ached for so long," BUT FOR WHAT? Why did I cling to all this hope and past? So what I could hope one day he would wake up and realize OMG, I'm so in love with her I must get her back? That never happens except in cheesy girl movies and come on it always happens in New York, not New Mexico.
I walked into his messy room and saw the items of his life, items that used to be part of my life. DVDs, books, clothes that hung in "our" closet, blankets that we slept with, and the bits that I relived and flashed back to walking out of "our" old house on that sad day. I just kept looking around, trying to picture what his life is now with me not in it. Messy is all I have to say. Chaos would be another good word to describe it. How can someone put their life back together when they don't sleep on a fitted sheet? It was all very strange being there, standing in his life- the life he wanted without me in it. It's not that great looking from the outside and so I just get more confused of why he left. But I know why he left, he wants to roam and who am I stop him? I love him too much to stifle him. So I let him go, yet again this time with less hurt attached and a little more love to lift him off the ground.
FUCK, why do I this to myself? As I searched his face for the familiar and saw the months ingrained, the soft lines around his eyes and the strong jaw line I used to kiss when he was pressed against me many months ago. I saw how he was the same, but the events of the past are still attached to his body. How well does anyone know a lover? And why does anyone still cling to the past? It's not to heal, but it's out of fear of being alone mostly. But I'm not alone and shouldn't let the events of yesterday grab a hold of me and bring me back to that dark scary place that I clawed my way out of. I worked so hard to not be in this place.
Then I hear the familiar beep of google chat and it's Aaron writing, "Hey there Miss Sara" and then I know I'm going to be ok. Maybe a little hurt and feeling used, but I'll be ok. I have finally let him go and in the words of the eternal Frank and Tony, "The best is yet to come, and baby wont it be fine/You think you've seen the sun, but you ain't seen it shine." My time will come I know it.

From Lambs to Lions

So, yea how's it going?

It's been awhile since I have been able to sit down and actually get the thoughts that have been floating around my brain onto something coherent, but I need to get them out. On Tuesday, I met with Rabbi Black and after our hour long meeting, granted it was most of my crying, I have realized that I'm ready to study and ask myself the questions that have been plaguing me for years. Now by no means do I even have the vaguest clue of what this is even going to bring up in me, but what I do know is that there is a notion inside me to seek. Seek the questions that have been glanced upon in philosophy, in my dreams, in my sober thoughts and I do believe this all goes down the road to Judaism. Why? Honestly I have no clue, but something primal inside me is yearning to do this. To figure this Jewish thing out and to accept something that is greater than myself.
To many, boy included, it sounds freaking crazy. He keeps asking me why via text message and doesn't understand why I don't want to explain it to him in 140 characters or less. "Why Judaism," he texts all while I respond, "I just have questions." Then the big J was brought up and I hit a sore spot. He has now stopped talking to me even when I told him I didn't want to even begin this conversation with him in the first place. Now I ask myself this, "How can you even ponder wanting to be with someone when you can't talk about faith issues?" You can't, it's impossible. I want someone with whom I can talk about stuff like this, we don't have to agree, but we need to at least converse about it. But not with boy, he goes back into his turtle shell and refuses to come out. It's sad.
Oh so I guess this is the end with him, it was good while it lasted. Wait scratch that. It was expensive while it lasted and cost more than it should have ever. I tried, but my actions were not well received nor reciprocated and I'm tired of giving things to him that I know I will never be given back. Time, money, energy, back scratches, and my knowledge are all things now just floating in some strange space time continuum never to be seen again. Boy is a taker and rarely gives back anything and it's a sad place to live you life in. I should have never really been in this place to start, but old habits die hard.
This next time around I won't make the same mistakes again and won't be put in this position. I won't give myself so freely to people who don't understand me fundamentally and who don't want to invest in me. I always attract the people who want and take as freely as they please, but today I am changing that. If you want my time you must contribute to me, to the world, and to humanity as a whole. I am looking for a crusader, someone who wants to stand beside me and take on the world, not chastise me for seeking questions that are are killing me inside.
Oh well boy, thanks for the time although looking back the only thing that you have taught me is that I will never give myself to someone like you ever again. Someone who just keeps on taking, rarely listens or remembers conversations, someone who doesn't write thank you cards, someone who doesn't believe in wedding rings or dresses, someone who is so self-centered, someone who likes attention but rarely gives it back (oh and when they do, all they do is complain), someone who tells me that I use to big of words or comes off as condescending-to note I had to explain to him that word, and someone who doesn't go down on girls. Never again people, this is my declaration
I need someone more than myself, someone who inspires me to make the world a better place and to question what's going on around me. I need a partner in crime, someone to support my crazy ideas yet hold me when I just fall apart and sob. I need someone who can keep up with me and my momentum and can contribute their own ideas to the grand scheme of things. I need someone who can't keep their hands off me and wants me all to themselves yet knows how to push my buttons and pushes me when they know I can do better. This is what boy lacks, inner passion for life and love and it hurts to look at him. So here I go again, all alone on my crazy Jewish quest. Oh well I knew I was going to loose some people when I started this, but let's hope that those I gain will be that much better.

Rabbi Update

Found Rabbi, he is this cool guy who apparently can rock out on the guitar and has a Palm Treo which he e-mailed me back on. All good signs. However, he spelled my name with an h, ah the elusive h. But that's how it's spelled in the Bible (btw is the capitalized, I bet it is) so I guess that's how he rolls. Anywho, left a message with his assistant and waiting for a call back to meet with him. Exciting times for me.

Pretty On The Outside

I was is such a wonderful mood yesterday. I got up and got ready, put on my $200 Coach shoes, jeans that make my ass look great, applied makeup and accessorized. I was looking mighty fly and my mood reflected that. Throughout the day I got so many compliments on my shoes that I had three different ladies stop me and ask me where I go them, "My birthday from Llama," I replied and went skipping along in my 4 inches of awesomeness. I was in such a good mood even my dentist noticed the change in me. I thought maybe July would be different than the first half of 2008 and smiled to myself when I passed out last night.

This morning though the sparkle has worn off and I have turned into a raging bitch. I'm picking fights with everyone in my path, no one is spared. I have no idea why I am acting like this today. Maybe it's cause I haven't really eaten in two days, but I haven't been hungry.

I need to shop my anger off.

Resolve

     There are some days like today where I wish I had a different life, to not be where I am currently standing-anywhere but here. I feel half full, unfulfilled like many empty promises that I made to myself are strewn around my mind like my messy apt. I have the urge to run away, flee and get in the car and drive east stopping when I see something that catches my eye. This is what happens when I am not in school, my mind is messy and unfocused. I look around at others life's and start to compare mine to theirs. 

     But it's just appearances and I have to remind myself that it most likely isn't what it appears to be, "Maybe they aren't so happy behind closed doors," I repeat to myself. At the beginning of this year I vowed to get back to myself, to take more pictures, and to get my ass in shape both physically and mentally. And now that June is closing, I'm past my half way mark and I'm freaking out. It's July and I haven't really gotten anything off my list that I wanted to. Treading water and going no where fast is the name of my game. 

     So what do I do, where do I go from here? I feel like I need a change, a routine. Not to be sleeping at boy's house every night- where is the chase in that? Not to neglect my laundry for two weeks and freak out when I have nothing to wear. Not to eat out every meal and skip breakfast. To try to not get mad at boy when he asks 45 questions in a row- don't judge just cause he is curious. So here is my resolve to get back on the wagon and start living the life I want. 

Stupid Conversations

I feel so frustrated with life and this hopelessness is resonating into every pore of my being. I'm not happy and feel stalled, stuck in the same place. The boy and I constantly go back and forth bickering about the stupidest shit ever. Our conversations go like this:

S: I'm not happy
J: I'm sorry
S: And you never fix shit when I tell you I'm unhappy
J: Well that's just how I am
S: And you never touch me and that's just strange
J: Well that's just how I am
S: I hate you
J: You want to hang out?
S: Sure

See so freaking retarded. I need help stat.

Where Have I Been?

I have come down with a massive head cold that is only made that much worse with this season's allergies. I feel like crap and the only thing that makes me feel better is to drug myself up with lots of generic dye free anti histamines. Ahh the bliss. 

On a happier front I have got two A's and two B's so far as posted grades go. That's fun. And this summer I am going to take tennis in the morning (I'm talking early 8 am) and maybe French at night. I have to see what is going on. 

I was going to go back to yoga tonight, but the head stuffyness won over and I went looking for my shorts and realized they reeked like cum. So let's just say I need to buy some new yoga shorts online before my ass can get back into class. And yes those are the only shorts I like to wear in yoga, they are perfect and no I will not find something else to wear. 

I haven't spoken with Adam in almost a week. We were fighting like angry Humming birds and then I got sick and the last thing I wanted to do was to call Adam and have him scream at me because it sounded like so much fun, ya know? 

My office is a mess, my house is a mess, my life is kinda messy (but happy), and I have no motivation to get off my ass and help. 

Tomorrow I get to get blood taken for a battery of tests. I'm so excited. I am going back to bed. 

Snarkyness is Rampant

So I think the end of Sara and Adam is fast approaching.

I wasn't going to write about what happened because I figured that it would all just work itself out in the end, but alas we are in two different places-almost light years apart from one another. Adam just doesn't understand me at the fundamental level and I think that he never will. He doesn't get that I don't like to be called a cunt or reminded of how I used to big of words. He constantly calls me a "Trust Fund Baby" and always tells me to "Go ask your father for money" when he gets angry. Or to be really mean, he will call me crazy like Kat, which used to piss me off like no other, but now I'm like "You haven't seen crazy" from me.

He can't even respect the fact that I have some major finals going on and is just unsympathetic towards me to the point where I just lost it today. I started to scream at him something really snarky and condescending.

Then he hung up on me and I laughed, manically like the joker on crack, which is never a good sign. So now we are "chilling out" whatever that means it's not like it was ever forever.

I need someone who is going to be nice to me especially during finals. Can someone throw me a bone or at least send me flowers? Didn't think so, boys like that just don't exist anymore and it makes me sad. I just want romance and love, perhaps someone who understands me and doesn't scream at me when he is still drunk at 8 am. Is that asking too much?

But something happened Saturday night that made me realize that there is love in the world. Jessica and Ben got engaged in front of all their loved ones at a party disguised by Paul's 50th birthday. It was so sweet and Jessica had no idea what was going on, it was fantastic. I asked Jessica what she loves about Ben and she said, "He makes me laugh." I want someone who makes me laugh with them not at me perhaps about llamas. Anywho some pics from the weekend!

Nothing too special but still fun kids!

That's all I got, now I must study for finals and run my ass off!

SCHOOL SUCKS

It's finals week and it sucks ass. I'm grumpy,my blood sugar is higher than a moat, and it's almost one in the morning and my paper is due at 2. Oh did I tell you that I have a real final at 11:00 am too and I'm out of Starbucks money? (yes I know a run on, but my brian is fried). This paper isn't even close to being done and to be honest I have no motivation to do keep trying at it. I know I will wake up at 6 am drenched in sweat about all the crap I have to do in ten hours. I HATE SCHOOL WHEN IT GETS LIKE THIS! I just want to, I don't even know what I want. Thoughts of my paper and slide images for my Art History II class just keep streaming across my head, like blimp type, and it just won't stop. If all else fails, I won't go to classics but I need to, to finish.

My paper has no thesis, it's all over the place, and has just strange sentences thrown together. Oh, did I tell you that I have known about this paper for about a month. I always do this. Every freakin time. Procrastination is my forte, I'm a pro. I could teach you my skills of putting off papers until the very last minute. And the worse part? This is my major so I need to be really good at this so one day I can go to more school and sound smart to my fellow art lovers. At least it is not math, that's a plus.

Alright kids, back to paper writing. SCHOOL SUCKS ASS! Sorry if I can't spell.

Last Day of April

So yea, it's Wednesday and I am currently freezing my ass off in my office as I type this. It's beautiful outside, glorious, and why do people insist on turning the air down to 65? Weren't we just bitching two weeks ago how freaking cold it was outside and then you go and bring the outside inside? I'm just asking. If I was in charge it would be 80 in here and I would have a window or something too, but I'm not in charge, yet, and my suffer in the fridge known as my office. Oh well I'll just get another sweater from my car making it my fourth layer of the day and suffer making files and spreadsheets.

Today is Administrative Professionals Day, which is what I am along with many unpleasant G-d awful names that Jason likes to call me on a daily basis, and I didn't get anything from either one of my bosses. That kinda sucks. I bet they don't even know there is a day where you give flowers to the chick who runs your life and makes sure your bills get paid.

What else? The Starfizzle guy in Zimmerman, to whom I go to daily, spelled my name wrong even after I said, "Sara S-A-R-A." Then what does he go and do? He puts a G-d forsaken H on my name which I had to stare at for the duration of my Starfizzle experience. Here is the evidence:

It's not the best picture since I was running my ass to my 20th Century Photography lecture that had started, but you can see it, the elusive H. I hate that H. That H made me get my passport denied twice because of my two legal names Sara Diane and Sarah Diana (I go by Sara Diana just to stick it to the man).

What else? Oh I have new people following me on Twitter, which is oh so fun, and it makes me feel like someone wants to sit with the new girl at lunch. And on a random side note, the day I changed my picture on MySpace I got 14 new friend requests. That just shows you what a new haircut can do for everyone.

Lazy Asses

I am so sick of lazy people, so sick I want to scream. I am tired of people who are not living up to their full potential just because they want to sleep in until 9:30 everyday. This is the entire mindset of a certain someone I know who can do so much yet absolutely refuses to get up and do anything about it.
"I'm tired" he says.
"Well you would have more energy if you worked out and ate something better than mall food"
"But I can't get up at 6:30 to be at class at 7:30 and it's too far" (Please keep in mind it's like 15 mins away)

Seriously, this is what I am up against all day. He gets excited about something school, the gym, or reading a particular book and then BAM the doubt sets in and then very next day when I want to proceed he tells me to forget about it. WTF? I cannot stand this toxic state of thinking. This might sound very hippy, but to be able to get up and have the body, mind, money, and resources that he does- is a gift. And for him to want to miss all these opportunities just because he wants to stay in bed for an extra hour boggles my mind.

This next semester I am going to be working at least two jobs and getting up at 5am to be to yoga by 6 then go to school until 6 at night were I have 4 dance classes on top of the other 5 I am taking. And he wants to tell me that he can't get up at 6:30 so he can work out, I'm so over the mindset.

So what do I do? Ride his ass and show him the studies that show a direct correlation between exercise and sleep? Show him that when he does start working out he will sleep better and hopefully start eating better and this in turn will have a positive effect on him total well being? But deep down I know that no matter how hard you push someone, unless they want, it nothing will change.

Change your Body, Change your Life.