You Know Who You Are,

I just need to comment on a few things from last night. When you called and asked me to come over because you want to talk to me, I agreed and then proceeded to drive 35 mins out of my way. So when I get there and you are asleep it is annoying. Then when I try to wake up, you tell me how awful I am, seriously not too fun at 12:15 in the morning. Oh well I made you move over and fell asleep next to you. 

So you must understand the shock when I wake up an hour later and find that you are naked next to me, WTF? I'm sorry, but that freaks a girl out ya know? 

Then when I wake up three hours later, you are gone and I am sleeping in this strange place all alone. Again WTF?

 I am sorry but you are so lame it hurts. 

When You Need More Than Love

OMG, where do I even start? As I contemplate even writing what I am about to here, I think to myself, "Was it even worth it? How much heartache is too much? When do I yell stop and demand to be let off the ride?" I don't even know where to even start and it's been killing me all morning since I drove home early this morning. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face and I just let my soul grieve once again remembering this familiar place and pulling up my usual chair.
Do I take the ultra romantic approach where I tell you it was all sexy being caught in the rain on Central and where we ran and ducked for cover? How we ended up being soaked head to toe and my outfit was completely ruined, but he thought I was beautiful anyway. Do I tell you how adult we acted when we saw one another and how my heart soared when we were face to face and it was like those 18 months collapsed and it all made sense at that moment in time? How about I tell you how I didn't cry until I told him, "I forgive you and if I can forgive you, I can do anything," and how he reached across the table and grabbed my hand- I just melted right then and there. Do I tell you how weak he makes me and no matter how strong I want and pretend to be, I just gave in at the end because all anyone wants is to feel wanted? Do I add that the entire time I knew I was going to feel this way, but in the end I didn't care? All I wanted was made to feel wanted, held, and given a false sense of love-I got all of that with a big pile of feeling used and useless. Do I tell you how when I got home and took a shower I sat down and cried until the water ran cold? But I knew this was going to happen. I did it to myself and have no one else to blame for my insecure sense of self at this moment in time. God this place sucks and I hate feeling like this.
I just kept telling myself, "Remember this feeling, this feeling will conquer all the negative that is going to come up. The love replaces the hurt and you will rise above the negative just as you have before. Mentally store this smell, the taste, the feeling-this feeling that you have ached for so long," BUT FOR WHAT? Why did I cling to all this hope and past? So what I could hope one day he would wake up and realize OMG, I'm so in love with her I must get her back? That never happens except in cheesy girl movies and come on it always happens in New York, not New Mexico.
I walked into his messy room and saw the items of his life, items that used to be part of my life. DVDs, books, clothes that hung in "our" closet, blankets that we slept with, and the bits that I relived and flashed back to walking out of "our" old house on that sad day. I just kept looking around, trying to picture what his life is now with me not in it. Messy is all I have to say. Chaos would be another good word to describe it. How can someone put their life back together when they don't sleep on a fitted sheet? It was all very strange being there, standing in his life- the life he wanted without me in it. It's not that great looking from the outside and so I just get more confused of why he left. But I know why he left, he wants to roam and who am I stop him? I love him too much to stifle him. So I let him go, yet again this time with less hurt attached and a little more love to lift him off the ground.
FUCK, why do I this to myself? As I searched his face for the familiar and saw the months ingrained, the soft lines around his eyes and the strong jaw line I used to kiss when he was pressed against me many months ago. I saw how he was the same, but the events of the past are still attached to his body. How well does anyone know a lover? And why does anyone still cling to the past? It's not to heal, but it's out of fear of being alone mostly. But I'm not alone and shouldn't let the events of yesterday grab a hold of me and bring me back to that dark scary place that I clawed my way out of. I worked so hard to not be in this place.
Then I hear the familiar beep of google chat and it's Aaron writing, "Hey there Miss Sara" and then I know I'm going to be ok. Maybe a little hurt and feeling used, but I'll be ok. I have finally let him go and in the words of the eternal Frank and Tony, "The best is yet to come, and baby wont it be fine/You think you've seen the sun, but you ain't seen it shine." My time will come I know it.

From Lambs to Lions

So, yea how's it going?

It's been awhile since I have been able to sit down and actually get the thoughts that have been floating around my brain onto something coherent, but I need to get them out. On Tuesday, I met with Rabbi Black and after our hour long meeting, granted it was most of my crying, I have realized that I'm ready to study and ask myself the questions that have been plaguing me for years. Now by no means do I even have the vaguest clue of what this is even going to bring up in me, but what I do know is that there is a notion inside me to seek. Seek the questions that have been glanced upon in philosophy, in my dreams, in my sober thoughts and I do believe this all goes down the road to Judaism. Why? Honestly I have no clue, but something primal inside me is yearning to do this. To figure this Jewish thing out and to accept something that is greater than myself.
To many, boy included, it sounds freaking crazy. He keeps asking me why via text message and doesn't understand why I don't want to explain it to him in 140 characters or less. "Why Judaism," he texts all while I respond, "I just have questions." Then the big J was brought up and I hit a sore spot. He has now stopped talking to me even when I told him I didn't want to even begin this conversation with him in the first place. Now I ask myself this, "How can you even ponder wanting to be with someone when you can't talk about faith issues?" You can't, it's impossible. I want someone with whom I can talk about stuff like this, we don't have to agree, but we need to at least converse about it. But not with boy, he goes back into his turtle shell and refuses to come out. It's sad.
Oh so I guess this is the end with him, it was good while it lasted. Wait scratch that. It was expensive while it lasted and cost more than it should have ever. I tried, but my actions were not well received nor reciprocated and I'm tired of giving things to him that I know I will never be given back. Time, money, energy, back scratches, and my knowledge are all things now just floating in some strange space time continuum never to be seen again. Boy is a taker and rarely gives back anything and it's a sad place to live you life in. I should have never really been in this place to start, but old habits die hard.
This next time around I won't make the same mistakes again and won't be put in this position. I won't give myself so freely to people who don't understand me fundamentally and who don't want to invest in me. I always attract the people who want and take as freely as they please, but today I am changing that. If you want my time you must contribute to me, to the world, and to humanity as a whole. I am looking for a crusader, someone who wants to stand beside me and take on the world, not chastise me for seeking questions that are are killing me inside.
Oh well boy, thanks for the time although looking back the only thing that you have taught me is that I will never give myself to someone like you ever again. Someone who just keeps on taking, rarely listens or remembers conversations, someone who doesn't write thank you cards, someone who doesn't believe in wedding rings or dresses, someone who is so self-centered, someone who likes attention but rarely gives it back (oh and when they do, all they do is complain), someone who tells me that I use to big of words or comes off as condescending-to note I had to explain to him that word, and someone who doesn't go down on girls. Never again people, this is my declaration
I need someone more than myself, someone who inspires me to make the world a better place and to question what's going on around me. I need a partner in crime, someone to support my crazy ideas yet hold me when I just fall apart and sob. I need someone who can keep up with me and my momentum and can contribute their own ideas to the grand scheme of things. I need someone who can't keep their hands off me and wants me all to themselves yet knows how to push my buttons and pushes me when they know I can do better. This is what boy lacks, inner passion for life and love and it hurts to look at him. So here I go again, all alone on my crazy Jewish quest. Oh well I knew I was going to loose some people when I started this, but let's hope that those I gain will be that much better.

Stupid Conversations

I feel so frustrated with life and this hopelessness is resonating into every pore of my being. I'm not happy and feel stalled, stuck in the same place. The boy and I constantly go back and forth bickering about the stupidest shit ever. Our conversations go like this:

S: I'm not happy
J: I'm sorry
S: And you never fix shit when I tell you I'm unhappy
J: Well that's just how I am
S: And you never touch me and that's just strange
J: Well that's just how I am
S: I hate you
J: You want to hang out?
S: Sure

See so freaking retarded. I need help stat.

Chillaxing

I wish I had some super cool amazing stories to share with you blogsphere, but alas my life has been fantastic but pretty chill. I have been hanging out with boy almost everyday and to say the least it has momentum. Where it is going to go, I have no freakin clue, but I'm ok with that right now. Now if he would only answer me on google chat....

Fuel to the Fire

I have been trying to compose this latest blog entry for the last week with no progress. Too much stuff on my mind to really wade through and make into a somewhat logical flow. Last Friday I crashed my car on Paseo and that sucks ass. But oh well cars come and go.

Work is good, it's either feast or famine, and the boys I work with make me laugh my ass off all day. And I'm super thankful for my education on comic book movies and how retarded girls are.

Let's see what else....oh yes the elusive Adam is back in town and for the first time today we conversed via text. He wants he jacket back blah blah blah. Same old story, he hates me I'm a bitch. Now I'm just waiting for him to get wasted and call me a cunt then the circle will be complete. Maybe I'll see him this weekend, but it is my birthday weekend and we can't have any stupid boys get me down Adam and Cameron included.

Speaking of Cameron, I had this very emotional post that I was going to post a few days ago, but didn't due to the fact it was 3 in the morning and I tend to not make the best editing choices at that time. But we are better, if there was ever a we, and I'm not being a complete bitch to him all the time anymore. But he always defaults into wanting to fuck me and that's just never going to happen. I know I'm to blame cause I add fuel to the fire so I guess I should expect it. But I'm so much more than that nowdays and sometimes he just doesn't get it. He has no idea how much I have changed and grown over the last year. But we all need closure, right? Or to kick his face in, either one will suffice. I just proposed a dance off over g-chat to settle our differences and he wasn't taking it. Oh well.

So my birthday is Sunday, but I'm going out on Saturday. All I know is Liz and I are going to go see Sex and the City and then I'm going to go out, drink, and dance in Nob Hill or Downtown depending what's going on. I got some hot Coach shoes from Llama so there is places to go and boys to meet- or at least dancing to be had with my GFs.

That's all I got right now, but I must be getting back to work.

Snarkyness is Rampant

So I think the end of Sara and Adam is fast approaching.

I wasn't going to write about what happened because I figured that it would all just work itself out in the end, but alas we are in two different places-almost light years apart from one another. Adam just doesn't understand me at the fundamental level and I think that he never will. He doesn't get that I don't like to be called a cunt or reminded of how I used to big of words. He constantly calls me a "Trust Fund Baby" and always tells me to "Go ask your father for money" when he gets angry. Or to be really mean, he will call me crazy like Kat, which used to piss me off like no other, but now I'm like "You haven't seen crazy" from me.

He can't even respect the fact that I have some major finals going on and is just unsympathetic towards me to the point where I just lost it today. I started to scream at him something really snarky and condescending.

Then he hung up on me and I laughed, manically like the joker on crack, which is never a good sign. So now we are "chilling out" whatever that means it's not like it was ever forever.

I need someone who is going to be nice to me especially during finals. Can someone throw me a bone or at least send me flowers? Didn't think so, boys like that just don't exist anymore and it makes me sad. I just want romance and love, perhaps someone who understands me and doesn't scream at me when he is still drunk at 8 am. Is that asking too much?

But something happened Saturday night that made me realize that there is love in the world. Jessica and Ben got engaged in front of all their loved ones at a party disguised by Paul's 50th birthday. It was so sweet and Jessica had no idea what was going on, it was fantastic. I asked Jessica what she loves about Ben and she said, "He makes me laugh." I want someone who makes me laugh with them not at me perhaps about llamas. Anywho some pics from the weekend!

Nothing too special but still fun kids!

That's all I got, now I must study for finals and run my ass off!

That's why G-d Made Google Chat

So yea, I just got off of Google chat with the x, Cameron (many may be familiar from the old blog where we called him sociopath). And it was very strange and I have no idea how to feel about it. It went alright, I guess. I shouldn't have even conversed with him, but then it's water under the bridge and life always finds a way to move on even if you are firmly planted on not going anywhere. I didn't scream or call him any names like I have thought about many times in my head. I was an adult, shockingly, but still there is this feeling of pain and unresolved hurt that won't go away.

I toyed with the idea of putting some of the conversation on here, but thought against it cause he already hates me to pieces. So let's just say it went ok.

Now I'm listening to Coldplay's "Fix You" and it's making me cry because it's all about fixing yourself not someone else coming to fix you, that self reliance is something that can never be taught, only learned. So I guess thank you Cameron for teaching me how to "Fix" myself.
Now if you could only work on yourself.

It's Like Camping Without the Fire

It's been a few days folks and my do I have some stuff to tell all of you.

On Saturday night I went and saw Kayne West in concert and it was hands down, the best concert I have ever seen. He is such a visionary and performer that he entrances all 30,000 people who were freezing their asses off. IT WAS SO COLD! No really, like freezing and I felt so bad for all the girls wearing shorts with tank top and flip-flops. Liz and I were bundled up and almost couldn't hang, if fact Jason and Ryan left because they were so cold even though Liz and I sacrificed the blanket to the boys.

Liz sumed it up in this one thought, "It's like all the really shitty parts of camping with out the warm fire." It was so true. Thank G-d for the fishy blanket.

If it was only twenty degrees warmer we would have has the time of our lives, but alas we put up with the tundra.
Don't we look cute?

That night after Liz went home, I picked up Adam at almost 3:00 am and we were both so crabby we just fought with one another; it wasn't pretty and he was "so wasted" he didn't remember anything. Oh well, we kissed and made up and I bought him breakfast on Sunday morning. Sunday night we had Adam's farewell dinner at Casa de Kat and Cliff and hung out for the rest of the night. Adam slept his last night over at my house and we were both so exhausted from the entire week of drinking too much wine, staying up until three every morning, and making sweet sweet love that we just passed out. Then Monday came and I had to pretend to be an adult with a job and bills and crap that it's been a rough transition.

I took Adam to the airport and we said our goodbye's and I was such a big girl and haven't cried yet. It's going to be a big shock coming home to an empty bed with no one telling me how much they hate me (he is kidding when he tells me that, he just doesn't want to tell me how much he hearts me). And what is really sad is that there are no pictures of Adam and I and all our fun adventures of this last week. I planned to make fun movies on my Mac, but it never happened. Oh well he will be back in a month.....

Four Glasses

There are four half drank wine glasses strewn around my apartment, remnants from our past week of drunken nights and naked sleepovers. Every time I wake up and see them they make me smile and remember the way you smell in the light of dawn and how your body feels unintentionally pressed upon mine when you are asleep. I am going to miss you when you are back to your life, know that.

Lighter than Air

He smelled like Sandalwood and the weight of his body on top of mine lifted the weight off my shoulders that had been there for thirteen months- my G-d it felt so good. A part of me didn't want it to happen, to break the cycle and move into the octagon, but lust won out over logical reasoning and just like that I'm back into my old ways. He leaves on Monday, only four short days away, then "real life" resumes with deadlines, papers to write, and essays to research-real life sucks sometimes. No more spending the morning in bed talking about art or all his travels around the world. There will be no more bottles of wine to share at three in the afternoon after spending all day looking for jeans for him or having him tell me my drink at Starfizzle is the most pretentious thing he have ever heard me say. Having him in my bed makes me smile, I'm in the full throws of an addiction and I just can't keep my hands or my body to myself.

How did this happen? Why do I feel like this? What am I going to do when he leaves? Who is going to go to breakfast with me? For the last year I have been on my own, working on myself, and trying to expell the anger from my body. For the first time something has released and I feel lighter than air, like a balloon that escapes from a childs wrist with no destination to go but up. This feeling is amazing, thank you Adam for giving that to me in three short days changing something in me that I have been trying to do in myself for over a year.

Let's Call This One Monday

Adam:"This is why we don't date because you up everything up on the Internet."
Me:"I don't put everything up on the Internet." Runs to Mac ProBook and begins blogging...

Yea so Adam is in town now, I picked him up this afternoon and we have hung out since. I just dropped him and Jude off at his parents house and now I'm off to Sunflower to get more wine-a Riesling, a whole pineapple, and a bag of charcoal for our dinner tonight. But first Kat and I are going to the gym, cause you know that always hepls before, then its off to drink and stuff our faces.

More pictures to come from drunken fajita night at Casa de Kat and Cliff and you know there is debauchery to be had. So excited. Good thing I don't have to get up until 10:00 tomorrow morning.

One More Thing at 3:30 am

Don't just tell me that I'm sexy, you need to paint and visual pictures and give me examples of what's sex about me to you. Please be creative, it's much appericated.

Silly Cake Questions

At 2:15 am he sent me a text message telling me that I was sexy and it made me question his intentions. He was lying naked in bed provoking me to do the same. "Then send me a picture to prove it," and of course I obliged, it seemed right at the moment and in the end it made me feel worse off. He sent me a snowy mountaintop when he was skiing today- it made me feel special until I realized I wasn't the only one starring at the same moment. It wasn't special enough to share with just me and that diminished it.

Sometimes I just know that we will never work, he simply can't give me what I need. I try to write off his outlandish comments as he is just an immature boy and I shouldn't be so hurt, but sometimes it just hits a nerve reiterating the fact that I am just not good enough for him or anybody in my current state. I need someone to answer my "silly cake questions" with excitement and glee, not one who doesn't want to play. He scoffed at my idea of sharing our favorite books and it was in that moment that made it all to clear. You will never share in my books and therefore you will never be willing to share in my life. It made me sad I had clear visions of running around Europe with him sharing my art knowledge. But deep down inside I know that there will never be play lists made of songs that remind him of me, flowers sent just because, or diamonds exchanged and I feel really confused about of all it. No hot steamy sex with Dave Matthews jamming out in the background, no surprise birthday trips to Utah for his birthday wearing the cheeky boy shorts that he adores, and spending the entire weekend in bed.

Half the time I think he is just trying to use me for my body, trying to fulfill a three-year long fantasy of try to bang me. The other part of me wants to think that he actually likes me and maybe I should try to be nice. When I am on the phone with him it makes sense to be there in that very moment making plans for the upcoming week, trying not to let one another how excited we are to see one another. How I am not trying to let him know that I'm really freaking out over what to wear to pick him up and how many pillowcases I should wash just in case he sleeps over. Or how I have been cleaning and organizing my house for a week so I portray a somewhat normal existence. I'm not trying to let on how when I am off away all alone I think that he is just using me telling myself why would anyone like me again. Sitting on m bed, listening to American Baby on repeat still makes me so confused.

Operation No Jiggly Ass

Cliff: "I'm German, so I know my chocolate."
Me: "Well I'm Dutch, so we smoke pot."
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So much to talk about, where to start?

I woke up with a hunger for a cheeseburger like no one's business and dying to listen to Dave Matthews Band. It was quite strange.

I ran around like a crazy woman today for work and have finally gotten to my desk to do my actual work and it's almost 5:00 and I have four hours of crap to work on. Hip Hop is just going to have to wait for next week, hope my group doesn't kill me, but one must pay the bills although all I want to do is go to the gym.

While sitting in Bank of America for the good portion of two hours today to do a wire transfer that took five minutes, I wrote the following on Sven:

And they both smiled at one another like they both have some secret membership into the low hanging ta ta club. Gazes were meet with a simple smile saying to one another acknowledging that yes our boobies do hang low and although there are many wondrous advances have been made with over the shoulder boulder holders in the last five years, we choose to have non perky boobs. Its our stab at woman's lib and our fat husbands like it!

Mean I know but if you had seen the six, count them six, women in a row who need immediate help in the boob department you would have said something too. I almost want to stage an intervention to help humanity. Please shoot me if my boobs ever look like that.
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Operation No More Jiggly Ass has finally commenced last night Kat went to the gym for the first time with me. To my surprise this Nazi trainer side of me came out and I kicked her ass. I would be screaming at her, "Give me three more!" she would finish and I would make her do a wall sit. Great fun. I'm sore all over though too in our great gym effort but it's all ok.

Adam Adam Adam, where do I even begin? Him and I have know one another since the good ol' days at the Pot and have since rekindled our friendship and it's really nice having someone to talk to about life that is not girl related. He calls me buddy and it makes me blush like a school girl and tells me I'm pretty. But he texts me in the morning-at the risk of sounding like a loon, it makes me feel special that someone, anyone, wants to speak to me since it has been months since anyone has even wanted to talk to me. Tuesday I spent upwards of seven hours texting with him back and forth, I mean I have never done that with anyone much less Adam whom I have known for years. But part of me feels guilty maybe it's cause I don't think that I deserve to have someone to talk to in some demented way but it feels really nice.

Anyway, he will be in Albuquerque on the 21st of this month for a week and I just hope that it doesn't end up like the David disaster of March 2008. But truth be told I'm anxious and excited to see him in person and have since decided that I need a manicure and pedicure along with a MysticTan. We are making plans, not dates we are not dating, to hang out next week. I'm going to take him out to dinner one night and I think that it will be super exciting.

But the negative creeps up and I fear like I'm giving him too much at times not letting him chase and this one, like all the rest, will end up in flames smoldering like California with nothing but time to extinguish them. I am making myself too available, telling him too many secrets sober, and giving him what he wants-I need to stop this addiction to the attention that has only been going on for a few days. This why friends don't let friends have constant access on their Blackberry to boys who like to text back. This is why I have been on a boy break because I give myself too much and forget who I am. Plus the last one turned out gay so....

The Rain in Albuquerque...nothing rhymes with Albuquerque

Where to start?

Well it's raining here in the desert which means no one can remember how to drive and guaranteed that it will be one messy commute, but we needed the moisture so bad that this is nothing but fantastic.

My IT guy, Robert, was in my office for hours installing updates-this is why I have a Mac- and we still couldn't map the drives together for the printer. So, he has to come back on Friday and give it another try. Good Times, good money for him!

I have an Art History test tomorrow that I just started reading for. In my defense it is the second time I have seen this material and I just need to get the dates and location right and I should be fine. But I'm out for blood this semester with my grades so anything less than a solid A will just not cut it. Oh well it is not even five so I still have hours to look at the information and read.

I didn't make it to Hip Hop today with the IT guy just leaving and the rain I would never make it from the heights to UNM- it's just not going to happen. Oh well I'll still make it to the gym sometime today between now and ten when they close, hopefully. Tonight is Top Chef too.....what is a a girl to do?

On a side note, I should not search MySpace or Facebook for old boyfriends especially ones who broke up with you, peeped on your heart, and left you in the fight for your life. When I signed up for Facebook it sent invites to all the people in my address book including the gay ex. To my astonishment he agreed to add me and I have been on a recon mission to snoop and pry. It only left me feeling worse and sick to my stomach. Seeing him happy and living his life is just making me feel inadequate. It's been over a year for crying out loud and I still get to this point all over again- feeling like I'm worthless because he left me and went on living his life. Half of me wants to crawl into bed watching Will and Grace eating a box of donuts; the other half is saying, "Get your smart beautiful ass to the gym and study for your Art History test so you can get the hell out of New Mexico and meet your handsome Jewish doctor!" Hopefully the later wins out, but some days I fell like shit and get closer to the person I was and it's just not pretty.

I got my first follower on Twitter yesterday, a cute boy who is in Sweden currently, good times. That's all I got.