Friday, June 6, 2008

Reflections Aren't Quite What They Appear

I feel really spacey today like I could just float away out of my body at any given moment today. It's quite strange.

My birthday is fast approaching and I just keep thinking about my last birthday where I go too tripped out for my own good and ended up bawling my eyes out on my bathroom floor in a mass of disgusting loneliness and self-misery. I consider this my rock bottom that I needed to hit last year and to be honest I think I am still on the up swing from it, not full recovered still feeling the tiny rippling aftershocks.

Twenty Two was an ok birthday, much better than my 21st where I took a Chemistry test and went to school, but after Liz left to go back home to Phoenix I just kinda lost it. It hit me how really alone I was and it was from that moment on I got my ass into therapy just so I could breath again. And my G-d did it help. I dissapeared from the life I knew, lost my job, changed my phone number, and pretty much lost touch with everyone except Liz and my family only because they wouldn't let me.

And here it comes again, my birthday on Sunday and while I'm looking forward to my 23rd year I just can't seem to break through my expectations of where I thought I would have been and where I am currently. I thought I would have at least thought I would have been on my first year of medical school with someone to love me. For reals when I was little I thought 23 was old but most days I feel like I'm still 17 trying to find my place in a big ocean called life. But then reality comes into play that I'm a senior at UNM studying Art History and have many classes like OChem and Physics to take before I can take my MCAT. Damn you super hard test to get into medical school.