Thursday, April 17, 2008

Damaged, So Damaged

Well my thoughts about not giving so much to Adam have failed miserably and I don't really know what to do about it. I feel torn about what to do, do I give in and let go of all the hurt I am holding onto from the past and hope that all turns out to be ok? Or do I just not acknowledge the feelings and try to make them subside not really knowing where they have manifested themselves from? I know I should take it one day, one conversation, one text, one picture at a time not putting the cart before the horse and not making plans more than four days in advance, but for reals, can this ever work? Deep down I just really don't know the answer to that question and am searching for it in The Beatles, Dave Matthews Band, Damien Rice, The Shins, Once Soundtrack, Danity Kane and any other soul touching lyrics that I can think of hoping a resounding answer will make itself apparent. But truth be told he provides something that is missing in my life at this very moment and if it is just for this moment than so be it, that is all life is really a string of moments somehow juxtaposed to form a constant stream; it's fleeting and I should hold onto the midnight conversations while they are there and while he still wants to have them with me.
Another part of me is just so mad at myself that I am giving into it all- the phone calls, the sending of phone pictures, the making of plans to watching movies- and for what? So when he comes into town he has someone to hang out with? I told myself, "The next one will be different, I will wait for commitment and diamonds to make sure he isn't going on walk out on me like Cameron did." And here I am again not in the same place, but in a town close by trying to pretending that I have changed, that somehow I am not the same person that I was when he left me because there was something wrong with me. I was too giving, too loving, too willing to change my life in order to be in his, too nice, too forgiving, not assertive enough to know myself. As much as I would like to say that I am miles away from that heartbroken sobbing girl curled upon the floor, I really haven't changed. I am still the same person who gives too much, loves to hard, and falls really fast without looking out for the ground below and I am thinking to myself is that really all that bad? I mean I could be the ice queen who has totally turned her back on love and life, but if anything it made realize how awesome it all can be and not to take for granted when it appears.
If anything Cameron has taught me through all of this is how you just need to love life, the good though the shitty parts, and not take anything for granted. To do what you want to do and not look back and right now every fiber in my body is saying talk to Adam, go pick up Adam from the airport, make plans for the time he is here, and not be hurt when he wants to hang out with other people. Another part of me is like, "You have so much work on yourself before you can even think of boys right now. Remember what happened with David and how you scared the shit out of him inundating him with your issues. He ran away and is now in the army-good job smart one!" I am just so confused and writing on this blog isn't going to figure it out.

On a side note, I'm sitting in the Fine Arts Library writing this and sitting next to me is a kid watching Chinese talk shows on You Tube and he has this permanent smile on his face and keeps laughing. I guess if I was going to school in another country I would be doing the same thing with The View or Oprah so I can relate. It's pretty funny to watch. I leave you with my current addiction Damien Rice's Volcano. Enjoy.