At 2:15 am he sent me a text message telling me that I was sexy and it made me question his intentions. He was lying naked in bed provoking me to do the same. "Then send me a picture to prove it," and of course I obliged, it seemed right at the moment and in the end it made me feel worse off. He sent me a snowy mountaintop when he was skiing today- it made me feel special until I realized I wasn't the only one starring at the same moment. It wasn't special enough to share with just me and that diminished it.
Sometimes I just know that we will never work, he simply can't give me what I need. I try to write off his outlandish comments as he is just an immature boy and I shouldn't be so hurt, but sometimes it just hits a nerve reiterating the fact that I am just not good enough for him or anybody in my current state. I need someone to answer my "silly cake questions" with excitement and glee, not one who doesn't want to play. He scoffed at my idea of sharing our favorite books and it was in that moment that made it all to clear. You will never share in my books and therefore you will never be willing to share in my life. It made me sad I had clear visions of running around Europe with him sharing my art knowledge. But deep down inside I know that there will never be play lists made of songs that remind him of me, flowers sent just because, or diamonds exchanged and I feel really confused about of all it. No hot steamy sex with Dave Matthews jamming out in the background, no surprise birthday trips to Utah for his birthday wearing the cheeky boy shorts that he adores, and spending the entire weekend in bed.
Half the time I think he is just trying to use me for my body, trying to fulfill a three-year long fantasy of try to bang me. The other part of me wants to think that he actually likes me and maybe I should try to be nice. When I am on the phone with him it makes sense to be there in that very moment making plans for the upcoming week, trying not to let one another how excited we are to see one another. How I am not trying to let him know that I'm really freaking out over what to wear to pick him up and how many pillowcases I should wash just in case he sleeps over. Or how I have been cleaning and organizing my house for a week so I portray a somewhat normal existence. I'm not trying to let on how when I am off away all alone I think that he is just using me telling myself why would anyone like me again. Sitting on m bed, listening to American Baby on repeat still makes me so confused.