llamabears

2011 in Questions

2011-12-31T13:08:00.000-07:00

As I age, the more I come to understand tempus fugit only I like to reflect on ‘time flees’ instead of ‘time flies’ as fleeing implies running away from something only time is running a marathon and is quickly putting miles between all of us. 2011 was a great year, one that felt of transition and waiting for things to happen. New experiences and great love made 2011.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Gave birth, which is to date the greatest albeit most intense exercise of the mind body connection and meditation I have ever gone through.
Learned how to take care of a newborn. I am glad I don’t really remember those first few weeks.
Fall in love even more with my fiancé and son.
Navigated the dangerous line of mother, worker, lover, friend and sleeper while finishing my last year of college. Honestly, I am just happy I completed my 5 UNM and 2 correspondence classes for this semester.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 
Last year I was pregnant and had a baby so my resolutions included eating more ice chips and taking naps. This year I have decided to forgo the formal resolutions and have thoughtfully chosen a word that will be my immediate focus.
Concentration. This is what I am going to work on.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 
2011 was a busy baby year! Beside myself, I have seen all my birth center friends give birth, Kathy, Kat, Kathryn, Vanessa, Jessica and a handful of Facebook friends. So many beautiful babies!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully

5. What countries did you visit?
2011 was a deplorable travel year. I only left New Mexico once when we drove to Austin, Texas to visit Melissa and go to Ikea where I went into a nesting frenzy.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Sleep! No really, sleep. Everyone’s myself included.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 11- my due date where I was at work and not having a baby
July 14-16 walking many miles in the July heat by a ditch to get this baby out! Chick fil a in labor, walking Cottonwood Mall, Pei Wei, Despicable Me, Dar a Luz and baby.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
Finishing three semesters at UNM for my undergrad degrees. I didn’t drop a class and my lowest grade is a C+ (I blame the fickle Italian!) and I got 6 A’s and a few B’s. Overall good job!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Losing my temper and not paying attention to the bigger picture of the journey.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Bout of gross stomach flu, an ass kicking migraine and pregnancy related maladies.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

· Bedroom furniture from Ikea giving us a proper space to live in and learn to be parents

· MacBook for llama

· Baby Legs

12. Where did most of your money go?

· Car payments, debt, baby related money, Dar a Luz for the birth.

13. What did you get really excited about?
Meeting friend’s babies and birth in general

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?
“Beautiful Boy” by John Lennon. It was the first song we played after Archer was born.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you: 
– happier or sadder? happier
– thinner or fatter? Fatter but I’m still working on the baby weight
– richer or poorer? Same but 2012 is going to be a more conscious year

16. What do you wish you’d done more of? 
Slept, read more books I wanted to read and took more pictures.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of? 
Homework, Facebook and eating crap

18. How did you spend Christmas?
In Albuquerque going to see family in town.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
True Blood was high on that list. It’s a mixture of the last trimester and strange storyline that makes it stand out.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
The Hunger Games trilogy so far, but the movie is going to come out in 2012 so watch out for the band wagon.

21. What was your favorite music from this year? 
I have curated some complex Pandora stations that I listen to daily. Standouts include Carla Bruni, Ellie Golding, Lily Allen and Adele.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part II and Bridesmaids

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 8 months pregnant but I went to the neurologist for llama, had a couples massage and went to PF Changs for dinner with Melissa, Liz, Jessie, Krissy, llama, Ashley and myself. Overall a great birthday!

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Going through with my birth plan: no drugs, no IV and free movement.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
What would ever go around the preggo heft and then what would fit around the post-preggo aftermath. 2012 will be better in this area.

26. What kept you sane?
Llama hands down. He talked me down from the scary what if pregnancy ledge many, many times.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011. 

Anything good is worth the wait. Love will always prevail. Never underestimate the value of a good night’s sleep.

Archer 1 Month

2011-08-16T21:49:00.000-06:00

Dear Archer,

Not a day goes by that my mind is boggled that you are here and I can call you by your name. For 40 long weeks and 5 days, you were an abstract concept that was present and felt but couldn’t be touched, and now that you are here I still find myself waiting to wake up from this dream. However you are real and are not a spector and had anyone told me how my life would be changed forever I don’t think I could or would have believed them. This month has been a steep learning curve for both of us. Oy, I don’t even know where to begin.

Nursing has been both easy and hard from hour one. You latch like a champ when you are not screaming at 5 am when my boobs are so full of milk and all I want you to do is please latch and make them deflate a little. You like your boobs a little squishy and mine are not that at 5 am. Nipple confusion has also not been a problem as I went back to work a week ago to preserve my sanity and you can bounce between bottle and boob like a seasoned pro although you vastly prefer the boob. You also have a love of the green binki as your oral fixation is still going strong as it was in the womb. Breastfeeding is hard and challenging but worth every time we sit down on the couch topless with the Boppy and watch TV and play Words With Friends on the iPhone, it makes me feel close to you.

This month was a lot of firsts as well as you had your Bris at your Aunt Crystal’s house. It was close family and friends with the Mohl and Cantor from Congregation Albert. Even before you were born I fretted many nights thinking how much pain you were going to be in when you go circumcised and how I wondered if we were doing the right thing. However, you handled the entire thing way better than your father and I did barely shedding a tear while it was happening on the coffee table. Even Dr. Robinson remarked how well you took it although your Grandma Rosalie feed you enough wine to get you drunk at 7 days old and leave your trouty lips purple for a few days after. I cried the entire ceremony and your father was a lighter shade of pale, but it was beautiful to welcome you into the Jewish faith and share the words that Jews across the world hear with those who weren’t familiar with this tradition.

This month I also learned that you cannot tolerate any kind of dairy in my milk without projectile vomiting all day over everyone who holds you. So out are the cheese, milk, butter, chocolate, yogurt and any other thing with dairy in it. Do you know how hard it is to eat a baked potato without butter and sour cream? It’s hard but I guess this just starts one of many sacrifices I am going to make for you, plus I feel good off of the diary so it’s win-win all around.

Last week you started smiling and it melts everyone’s heart when you do it. You can also hold your little bottles with your hands when the timing is just right which makes everyone, including your mother, think that you are a genius. This month you really fit into your cloth diapers, which make your little butt look so cute. Your umbilical cord also fell off around 2 weeks old and onto the floor. We couldn’t find the small shriveled thing, but when we did we choose not to save it as it grossed everyone out, I hope you don’t mind.

Can we talk about how you pee on everyone and everything? Oy! You have gotten Noni, your dad, Molly and myself a good number of times not to mention the walls! You are a peeing machine to say the least. It is a good thing you love taking baths because between the peeing and smelling like milk farts, you get a bath at night or else people would think you are a well dressed smelly baby and nobody wants that.

This month also marked the first time you were watched by Grandma Rosalie at her house. She loved every minute of it and when I went to pick you up she wouldn’t let me touch you! Your cousins Anthony and Aaron were there and fell even more in love with you than they already were. When I took you home you did smell like a bad Indian restaurant like an off curry of some sort so a good bad was definitely in order when you got home. Although I cried in my car when your dad loaded you up and drove off, I know she loves you and is happy to have you even when it is hard for me to let you go.

Likes: The birds on your baby swing, being swaddled, the white sound app on my phone being held by everyone, football/spider monkey hold and farting/sharting

Dislikes: The carseat, napping, wet diapers and being hot a sweaty.

Goals for next month: better napping habits and holding your head up

Baby Archer you have brought a light into our lives that we never knew was missing, we are thankful you are here everyday even when you are screaming your blonde little head off like you are doing right now.

Love,

Me your Mom

Target Chairs

2010-12-02T17:26:00.000-07:00

So yea the crazy dreams continue. Last night it was llama going on about this chair he wanted to buy at target. Sounds boring I know, but my entire dream was him yaking my ear off about that damn chair. I woke up at 5:30 am and basically yelled at him next to me for keeping me up all night about that stupid chair. Unwarranted I know but it made me feel better.

Mammilian

2010-12-01T18:19:00.000-07:00

So I don't know any other way to say this, but I'm pregnant. 8 weeks to be exact and mostly scared shitless. Although we, as in llama and I, knew what we were getting into, kinda, it is still one of the scariest things I have ever done. Yet extremely exciting like a grand science experiment. So far it's been crampy, pukey, my head hurts, I can't sleep and all I want to do is sleep.

When I do fall asleep the dreams are the most vivid dreams I have ever had in my life that come with a new mode of transportation that is part paddle boat, vespa and 9 volt motor that I had to ascertain from a hoarder with many dogs that bit my arms. Very strange dreams indeed. Sarah Palin also showed up on night and showed me Alaska and somehow we were having a great time.

So yea, I figured I might as well write all these crazy emotions down now before I wake up and I am 35 with a 10 year old who needs to still print pictures from her hard drive.

Oh yes I am enforcing the Jewish rule of no baby stuff in the house til the baby is here. Hope I can keep that up.

Knowing and Doing

2010-09-17T18:41:00.000-06:00

I used to never believe when people told me it was better to give than receive, I would usually agree on the surface, nodding my head in yes, but knowing deep down I didn't agree.

I used to think that life was about taking everything that wasn't bolted down to the floor, taking way more than my share and not giving a damn about those in my wake.

I used to think I was invincible and that people who I thought I really knew and cared for would never hurt me.

Now I know better, so I do better*.

Volunteering at the Pres ER has been the most confirming experience of my life. It has reaffirmed my need to go to medical school, become a doctor, give back to my community and evolve as a person. I have to do this, I have no other choice.
It may take me 3 years to get all the pre-reqs done, but I will get there.

*Oprah of course!

What, English isn't a popular major?

2010-04-21T13:44:00.000-06:00

I stayed up until midnight to register for Fall semester, I was really sleepy and didn't feel good but I did.

However I didn't need to considering I was the 3rd or 4th person to register for them. I don't understand why no one would like to take:

Mark Twain
Latin III
Deviant Behavior
Early Shakespeare
Technical Editing
Persuasive Communication

It will be fun!

2010-04-06T14:41:00.000-06:00

Today in 20th Century Latin American Art (which is taught by the Dean of Fine Arts @UNM) handed our midterms back. As we went over material that she thought we needed to clarify, she read aloud from the papers that she thought covered the question best, were thought provaking, or just an overall nice piece of writing.

My palms were sweaty as she went deeper into topics we should have already gotten by week 12 as she drilled the class on concepts.

Then she began to read from the Midterms.

After the fourth one mine came up regarding cartography and she read my entire introduction to class. I was elated.

When she handed them back I saw a 95 for the entire Midterm, 15% of my grade for the class. Going into my research paper and take home final my lowest grade is a 90. Can you believe it?

Hard work does pay off and getting fired was the best thing to happen to me academically. Finally.

2010-04-05T12:03:00.000-06:00

I just feel out of control and while I try to get a grip on everything, my life, school and bills, I end up feeling little about it. Yes, little. I can't really pinpoint any other words but little. I just got my first parking ticket from UNM for $20 and it put me over the edge.

Adult problems aren't fun.

Long Day with Longer Actions

2009-11-02T21:36:00.002-07:00

I really don't want to speak about the events of today, not right now away. Next week or the week after maybe when the dust has settled.

Carry On. More to come.

November 1. here we go

2009-11-01T11:09:00.002-07:00

Post One, it's oh so fun.

If you haven't already heard, my father passed away on September 13th this year after a very horrible but swift bout with Stage IV Stomach Cancer and since there I have just been trying to keep my reality together. It has been really hard, a hardness that is unimaginable without ever having to go through it.

And everyday it's a new day to have to tell myself that he isn't here anymore and I fall apart all over again. It sucks.

So I think that writing here everyday for the month of November will make me feel a little bit better.

So here I go, wish me luck.

Adultness

2009-07-21T16:16:00.004-06:00

This morning I learned one of my best friends that I have known for 11 years is pregnant with her first baby and is due in March.

Crazy shit, I know, but we aren't little kids anymore. We aren't 16, 18 or even 21. Hell I know more than one person my age with two kids and divorced

We are 24 years old heading towards the mark of our first quarter century and most days I tend to forget that.

We are grown adults according to our number and yet I still feel like a little kid asking my parents for gas money. Perhaps it's because I have been in the same work/college gig for the last four years.

But I look again down at our age and it proudly defeats any reservations I have about adulthood. This is it kids and most days go by without acknowledging it, but there are days like today. Days that force me to look around and see that we aren't kids anymore. We aren't teenagers. We are adults and it makes me scared shitless.

I'm not going to go into this long diatribe about how ill prepared she and her boyfriend are, but really is anyone prepared for a kid?

I'm not going to go into how I am so scared for her to face this big challenge ahead of her with a college education or a myriad of other boxes that should have been checked off before she got to this spot.

I'm not going to lecture about how she wasn't on birth control and knowingly knew this could have happened. Maybe she wanted it to happen.

No, this is me freaking the hell out about how the only thing that is constant is change and it took this event to push me over the edge. I am overwhelmed with being an adult and there is nothing I can do about it.

Well Howdy!

2009-06-26T22:06:00.002-06:00

It's been far too long, I know, but I have a great excuse.

OK, not really.

I have just been busy meaning to update my forgotten blog with something, anything. Alas, I just have to buckle down, after all I am an English major so you would think that I enjoy writing or something. I would give you the old excuses you know how I have been so busy and I was meaning to call but my cat got stuck in the dryer yadda yadda yadda. Truth is, I really don't know what has been up with me.

I have lost my passion and am slowly crawling back to it without really knowing what "it" is. I mean I have a wonderful boyfriend, llama, who I live with and spend many wonderful nights with. I have a great job and am sooo close to being done with my degree that I almost don't know what to do with myself. But something is missing and I think that it's on the Jewish front. I haven't been to Congregation Albert in months and my only spiritual actions (or lack there of) are in the form of Kaballah e-mails that I barely skim.

I am missing the light, craving the light, and it's only thru writing this have I realized that. Gotta get back to the light.

Oh Teenage Hopes

2009-01-03T14:55:00.006-07:00

I saw him as I was walking past Express in Coronado Mall just a few minutes ago and immediately recognized him. Not trying to look like a total stalker, I made my way through the door and scurried to the woman's side.

I was sweaty at this point.

I couldn't keep my eyes off him as he walked over to her (her being his girlfriend/fiance) and green swelled upon me. "It's been 5 years since our last encounter," I thought to myself, "why can't I just let him go?" But I was determined to talk to him, yearning would be a better word and I wasn't leaving until I did. Checking my bangs in the mirror, I was thankful to myself that I had put make-up on this morning and didn't walk out of the house looking too homeless. Taking a big breath I saw my opportunity and walked up behind him.

"Hey stranger, long time no see," I said as he turned around to see me.

It was in that moment that I saw in his eyes our past-the drama from our teen years, his friends, my friends, tattoos, misplaced nipple rings, Chasing Amy, watching Cartoon Network at 2am, those ridiculous rims on his white truck, Petsmart, weddings in Hawaii, his grandparents house on that one street, and the promises we made to one another- and I knew that this was it, I had to let him go; I grew out of all the hope I had for us.

We made small talk he mentioned his mom got married, his sister is legal now, and he lives in Rio Rancho again. I think I said something about graduating and getting my neck pierced (how this is even relevant makes no sense to me either) and how old we are. I hate small talk.

He couldn't take his eyes off me and I reveled in the glow of just being seen by him again.

I should have told him how I always think about him on his birthday, how I cannot see a Kevin Smith movie without wondering how he would rank it, or how after all these years I still have the picture you made me and it makes me smile.

I wanted to scream at him how mad I was when he never came back to me and fell off the face of the Earth. How I wanted to find him and searched Facebook, MySpace, and Google stalked him but still couldn't.

I wanted to tell him how sorry I was to write him that letter 2 years ago basically begging him to take me back and forget his girlfriend and yet thankful he never replied.

But most of all I just wanted to tell him thank you for all the hours, days, weeks, years that he was a big part of my life. I know we were never officially together-the timing was never right- but Dustin holds a very dear place in my heart. So I set you free Dustin Bookout and when I think back at my 17 year old self I will always see you next to me in your white truck with your D hat on and your intense shoe collection.

Thank you for making my life exciting while you were in it and good luck with that girl.

Cock Blocking and Other Goodies

2008-10-08T13:25:00.002-06:00

These are the recent events that I could blog about:

How I was cock blocked at Rosh Hoshana
My crazy photography project that is due on Saturday
The annoying high school kids that were in front of me
How I lost an entire roll even after outside processing thus setting me back a few day
I have an eye infection and it's super sexy
How my brother is getting married today to Gaylen, I am going to have a brother in law!

But I am just going to say I leave for New York in one week and so freaking excited it hurts. But I have so much to do in between then and now so you won't hear much from me except on twitter.

5769

2008-09-29T13:18:00.002-06:00

Sundown starts the year of 5769 in the Jewish calendar and since this is my first Rosh Hashanah I thought I would sit down and put out into the universe the things I would like to accomplish:

Travel-so far on the horizon is NYC in October, New Years in California and Mexico with my brother, Austin for spring break in March 2009, wedding in Chicago in May 2009, and then Europe for Summer in 2009.
Read more than I have been
Meet new people and maybe find someone to date. But like big kid date, none of this hanging out going no where. I want a real tangible relationship with someone I care about.
Test my boundaries physically (maybe I'll start small with a 5k or something), creatively (more photography) and emotionally. I really want to see how powerful the mind is.

That's all I have so far. I wish you are yours a happy 5769 l'shanna tov!

You Know Who You Are,

2008-09-26T10:39:00.001-06:00

I just need to comment on a few things from last night. When you called and asked me to come over because you want to talk to me, I agreed and then proceeded to drive 35 mins out of my way. So when I get there and you are asleep it is annoying. Then when I try to wake up, you tell me how awful I am, seriously not too fun at 12:15 in the morning. Oh well I made you move over and fell asleep next to you.

So you must understand the shock when I wake up an hour later and find that you are naked next to me, WTF? I'm sorry, but that freaks a girl out ya know?

Then when I wake up three hours later, you are gone and I am sleeping in this strange place all alone. Again WTF?

I am sorry but you are so lame it hurts.

Manic Nomad

2008-09-14T20:16:00.005-06:00

Every week I get the Pottery Barn e-mail showing me what my life could be if I only settled down and made a home. My current state is nomadic, it sounds better than homeless, and it's on my own doing. For years I have had somewhere to put my stuff, living out of two rooms (bedroom and bathroom) spending rent month after month for something I didn't enjoy. It was lonely, I'll admit it and after the ex left me in an empty space for the duration of the lease I vowed next time it would be different. I hated every minute of it, living alone and being miserable in a place that I wanted to share.

When I was 18 I bought a house, I never really lived there though. I know it's strange. When it was being built I had grand plans for sectional sofas, framed art, and coffee tables-it never materialized into something. I had my stuff there and my roommates gladly threw parties where I would stumble upon the aftermath and Liz sleeping in my bed. I slept and stayed with another ex at his house in his space and gleefully submitted to his domicile. Playing house in other's houses was a fetish of mine. But time pressed on and I walked away from that boy and another boy entered my life that ended up breaking my heart (whine whine whine I know). Then I moved out and my Aunt moved in and that was the last time I lived or will live in that house.

To make a long story short, I recently put my entire life in storage everything but clothes, shoes, make up, and essential books packed up. And my goodness I feel so free. So now I have nothing but clothes and travel planes on my agenda, doing what I want to do. So as I sleep bouncing from friend's to parents to bosses spare bed rooms, living out of my car, and doing my make up at my desk on my Mac isight I feel this is where I need to be.

So as I am 31 days away leaving for New York, I realize I don't really need anything. No dish sets, couches, end tables, lamps, pots, pans, or bedroom sets. I need to travel, to look at art, meet new people, sleep on random couches, and get lost. By getting rid of everything I am finding myself-and it feels amazing.

Next stop NYC, Mexico for New Year's, Chicago in May, and Europe in the summer. And as Frank is stuck in my head, my new mantra is, "The best is yet to come and wont it be fine..." Oh yes Frank the best is yet to come and it will be fine. Oh so fine.

2008-09-02T11:10:00.000-06:00

I need someone who wants to lay in bed with me naked listening to Eric Clapton.

Honest Friday

2008-08-29T13:55:00.004-06:00

For the last two Friday's my assistant and I post on the white board what we like to call "Honest Fridays." It's kind of like post secret but just between the two of us and it really helps. This is what my entry looks like:

We're geeks we know, but we look forward to it every week.

Duh

2008-08-29T13:33:00.002-06:00

You know when you find a band and you ask yourself, "Where have you been all my life?" And then when you tell other people about the awesome band they reply, "Umm yea, they have been out for like 5 years. All the cool indie loving peeps love them," and then you feel stupid? Well that just happened to me with the ever cool Indie Canadian band Stars. OMG, I heart them so.

School Days

2008-08-26T11:59:00.002-06:00

I am so excited that I am back in school now. Yes, summer was fun working all day and reading fun books at night, but it's time to finish up my BFA so I can find my Jewish doctor. I have only went to one class so far, my class line up is super strange this semester, I can see the end in sight and my God it's beautiful.

I had a bunch of funny things I saw yesterday like:

The Short Shorts: girls I can see your labia and it's not pretty, just wanted to let you know
Two different Russians told me to not learn Russian or ever go to Russia. It broke my spirit of becoming a Russian spy/femme fatal. Damn them!
The worst tattoo in the history of the world- this girl of maybe 18 years old had "final fantasy" on her chest in the same font that is on the box. It was awful and she was a somewhat pretty girl.
My European Art history teacher is the coolest lady who just got back from spending 2 years in Rome and get this-she pronounced all the French artists correctly! It's such a pet peeve of mine when teachers mispronounce French surnames.

Aw the first day of school and all the little one's who this is their first year at college, I feel old and like a mama bear at the same time. But I have to keep reminding myself that this is the last Fall semester I will attend as an undergrad and it makes me sad just a little. On the other hand I am so excited to be learning again and to be around people with similar academic interests as me. Yesterday I had to stop myself from screaming at random class mates, "I love Art History! And you might possible do too and that is so cool!"

Well that's all I have right now, today is Greek Philosophy and my Jewish class I start tonight, I love school!

Week Recap

2008-08-19T14:08:00.003-06:00

Don't you hate it when you go to sit down and write nothing seems to make any sense? I have been formulating this blog post for over the last week and now that I have time to sit down, nothing comes out. So pardon me if nothing seems to make sense.

First and foremost, I have to say that I had so much fun at my boss Brian and Vanessa's wedding. From Jason being a drunk fool and hitting on the maid of honor (where we had to cock block him) to my fantastic rendition of YMCA, it was a small but great time. Also, having to watch and stay with Josh the entire time because everyone around him left we did end up having great conversation and I will forgive him for not asking me to dance. Thank god for Ryan for being there and spinning me around on the dance floor all night even if the bride's mother in law yelled at us for being too rowdy! All in all it was a funny little party, but to be honest when I am with my work peeps we make the party.

The Jacob Deal- he has been MIA this last few weeks not wanting to even see me. So I just leave well enough alone and go on with my life as usual. I just don't understand him most of the time, he is one of the strangest creatures I have ever encountered in my dating life. I have even asked others and they all agree. He will just never understand me- so I try not to try anymore.

The Cameron Deal- I need to stop and I have been trying to not let him get to me. I just like the attention and when I happen to be drunk at weddings I always somehow end up texting him....

I will stop this soon, I promise.

The Aaron Deal- why does he have the need to tell me who he is sleeping with? I don't care, we are just friends. If he thinks that he is going to get some kind of "Way to go man on being a slut" he is asking the wrong person. Go whore yourself out and have fun, but be safe. I wouldn't recommend jumping from one girl into another just because she agrees to get naked with you. Boys are just so predicable sometimes.

The Llama Deal- OMG I forgot how funny he is, but that is one of the great side-effects of not seeing someone for a while. And he can cook his ass off and made me some of the best salmon I have ever had last night. He cooked me dinner and then we watched Ghostbusters, it was a great night. Sitting on his couch I remembered when he made me hike up the Sandias with him. he pushed my boundaries and in the end I was glad to have dragged my ass up there to watch the sun set. It was great, why doesn't anyone else push me like that?

So now I sit in my beautiful new office with our new office computers and desks. All my assistant and I saw to one another is, "We love our new office!" That's all I have in my life right now. Nothing too crazy, but still something to look forward to.

When You Need More Than Love

2008-08-06T11:29:00.004-06:00

OMG, where do I even start? As I contemplate even writing what I am about to here, I think to myself, "Was it even worth it? How much heartache is too much? When do I yell stop and demand to be let off the ride?" I don't even know where to even start and it's been killing me all morning since I drove home early this morning. As I write this, tears are streaming down my face and I just let my soul grieve once again remembering this familiar place and pulling up my usual chair.
Do I take the ultra romantic approach where I tell you it was all sexy being caught in the rain on Central and where we ran and ducked for cover? How we ended up being soaked head to toe and my outfit was completely ruined, but he thought I was beautiful anyway. Do I tell you how adult we acted when we saw one another and how my heart soared when we were face to face and it was like those 18 months collapsed and it all made sense at that moment in time? How about I tell you how I didn't cry until I told him, "I forgive you and if I can forgive you, I can do anything," and how he reached across the table and grabbed my hand- I just melted right then and there. Do I tell you how weak he makes me and no matter how strong I want and pretend to be, I just gave in at the end because all anyone wants is to feel wanted? Do I add that the entire time I knew I was going to feel this way, but in the end I didn't care? All I wanted was made to feel wanted, held, and given a false sense of love-I got all of that with a big pile of feeling used and useless. Do I tell you how when I got home and took a shower I sat down and cried until the water ran cold? But I knew this was going to happen. I did it to myself and have no one else to blame for my insecure sense of self at this moment in time. God this place sucks and I hate feeling like this.
I just kept telling myself, "Remember this feeling, this feeling will conquer all the negative that is going to come up. The love replaces the hurt and you will rise above the negative just as you have before. Mentally store this smell, the taste, the feeling-this feeling that you have ached for so long," BUT FOR WHAT? Why did I cling to all this hope and past? So what I could hope one day he would wake up and realize OMG, I'm so in love with her I must get her back? That never happens except in cheesy girl movies and come on it always happens in New York, not New Mexico.
I walked into his messy room and saw the items of his life, items that used to be part of my life. DVDs, books, clothes that hung in "our" closet, blankets that we slept with, and the bits that I relived and flashed back to walking out of "our" old house on that sad day. I just kept looking around, trying to picture what his life is now with me not in it. Messy is all I have to say. Chaos would be another good word to describe it. How can someone put their life back together when they don't sleep on a fitted sheet? It was all very strange being there, standing in his life- the life he wanted without me in it. It's not that great looking from the outside and so I just get more confused of why he left. But I know why he left, he wants to roam and who am I stop him? I love him too much to stifle him. So I let him go, yet again this time with less hurt attached and a little more love to lift him off the ground.
FUCK, why do I this to myself? As I searched his face for the familiar and saw the months ingrained, the soft lines around his eyes and the strong jaw line I used to kiss when he was pressed against me many months ago. I saw how he was the same, but the events of the past are still attached to his body. How well does anyone know a lover? And why does anyone still cling to the past? It's not to heal, but it's out of fear of being alone mostly. But I'm not alone and shouldn't let the events of yesterday grab a hold of me and bring me back to that dark scary place that I clawed my way out of. I worked so hard to not be in this place.
Then I hear the familiar beep of google chat and it's Aaron writing, "Hey there Miss Sara" and then I know I'm going to be ok. Maybe a little hurt and feeling used, but I'll be ok. I have finally let him go and in the words of the eternal Frank and Tony, "The best is yet to come, and baby wont it be fine/You think you've seen the sun, but you ain't seen it shine." My time will come I know it.

From Lambs to Lions

2008-07-25T15:56:00.005-06:00

So, yea how's it going?

It's been awhile since I have been able to sit down and actually get the thoughts that have been floating around my brain onto something coherent, but I need to get them out. On Tuesday, I met with Rabbi Black and after our hour long meeting, granted it was most of my crying, I have realized that I'm ready to study and ask myself the questions that have been plaguing me for years. Now by no means do I even have the vaguest clue of what this is even going to bring up in me, but what I do know is that there is a notion inside me to seek. Seek the questions that have been glanced upon in philosophy, in my dreams, in my sober thoughts and I do believe this all goes down the road to Judaism. Why? Honestly I have no clue, but something primal inside me is yearning to do this. To figure this Jewish thing out and to accept something that is greater than myself.
To many, boy included, it sounds freaking crazy. He keeps asking me why via text message and doesn't understand why I don't want to explain it to him in 140 characters or less. "Why Judaism," he texts all while I respond, "I just have questions." Then the big J was brought up and I hit a sore spot. He has now stopped talking to me even when I told him I didn't want to even begin this conversation with him in the first place. Now I ask myself this, "How can you even ponder wanting to be with someone when you can't talk about faith issues?" You can't, it's impossible. I want someone with whom I can talk about stuff like this, we don't have to agree, but we need to at least converse about it. But not with boy, he goes back into his turtle shell and refuses to come out. It's sad.
Oh so I guess this is the end with him, it was good while it lasted. Wait scratch that. It was expensive while it lasted and cost more than it should have ever. I tried, but my actions were not well received nor reciprocated and I'm tired of giving things to him that I know I will never be given back. Time, money, energy, back scratches, and my knowledge are all things now just floating in some strange space time continuum never to be seen again. Boy is a taker and rarely gives back anything and it's a sad place to live you life in. I should have never really been in this place to start, but old habits die hard.
This next time around I won't make the same mistakes again and won't be put in this position. I won't give myself so freely to people who don't understand me fundamentally and who don't want to invest in me. I always attract the people who want and take as freely as they please, but today I am changing that. If you want my time you must contribute to me, to the world, and to humanity as a whole. I am looking for a crusader, someone who wants to stand beside me and take on the world, not chastise me for seeking questions that are are killing me inside.
Oh well boy, thanks for the time although looking back the only thing that you have taught me is that I will never give myself to someone like you ever again. Someone who just keeps on taking, rarely listens or remembers conversations, someone who doesn't write thank you cards, someone who doesn't believe in wedding rings or dresses, someone who is so self-centered, someone who likes attention but rarely gives it back (oh and when they do, all they do is complain), someone who tells me that I use to big of words or comes off as condescending-to note I had to explain to him that word, and someone who doesn't go down on girls. Never again people, this is my declaration
I need someone more than myself, someone who inspires me to make the world a better place and to question what's going on around me. I need a partner in crime, someone to support my crazy ideas yet hold me when I just fall apart and sob. I need someone who can keep up with me and my momentum and can contribute their own ideas to the grand scheme of things. I need someone who can't keep their hands off me and wants me all to themselves yet knows how to push my buttons and pushes me when they know I can do better. This is what boy lacks, inner passion for life and love and it hurts to look at him. So here I go again, all alone on my crazy Jewish quest. Oh well I knew I was going to loose some people when I started this, but let's hope that those I gain will be that much better.

Rabbi Update

2008-07-10T10:13:00.002-06:00

Found Rabbi, he is this cool guy who apparently can rock out on the guitar and has a Palm Treo which he e-mailed me back on. All good signs. However, he spelled my name with an h, ah the elusive h. But that's how it's spelled in the Bible (btw is the capitalized, I bet it is) so I guess that's how he rolls. Anywho, left a message with his assistant and waiting for a call back to meet with him. Exciting times for me.

Wanted: Rabbi

2008-07-08T12:56:00.002-06:00

I need to find a Rabbi, I know it sound so strange, but my dreams are telling me I need to find one. I know what some are thinking, "Your dreams are telling you to go find a Rabbi," but yes for the last week or so it's a constant theme in my dreams. MUST FIND RABBI. Apparently he has something to say to me or maybe I have something to say to him. I just don't know.

25 Things About Me

2008-07-02T15:18:00.004-06:00

1. I was born in the back of a Ranger's Jeep in the Sequoia National Forrest 4 weeks premature by a Ranger who told my mom, "It's going to be ok, I delivered bears before." I couldn't make this up and it even says so on my birth certificate.

2. Growing up all I wanted to be was a doctor, a pediatric cardiologist to be precise. Then I wanted to study Art History. Now I'm an Art History major who is studying to take her MCATS. Amazing how it comes full circle.

3. I burn really easy so I slather myself in SPF 70 head to toe everyday in expensive sunblock. I have the freckles to prove I wasn't this careful in my younger years.

4. I have a weakness for diamonds, handbags, and shoes like every other woman on the Earth. However, I do buy my own diamonds, handbags, and shoes because I wait for no man, life has taught me that.

5. When I was 6 I got kicked out of Grace Brethren Christian Academy for asking too many questions. It was awesome and has set a precedent for my life ever since. Now I am studying to become Jewish, funny how that worked out.

6. I grew up near the ocean and find God there. It's my church. Too bad I now live in the desert.

7. My Dad tells me when I was four I asked him everyday if we could buy a cow. I have no idea why.

8. Cottage cheese, tomatoes, and meatloaf gross me out. I wouldn't eat any of it if it was the last things on Earth to eat-I would rather die.

9. I have a weakness for The Beatles, they would be my deserted island music selection.

10. The first great love of my life was a boy named Joshua Olsen. He broke my heart and I did a lot of drugs to fill the void.

11. My best friend, Elizabeth, I met the first day of my new school when I moved to New Mexico. I heart her all over.

12. I have seen first hand the power the Meth has over people's lives, it's insane. Thank God Lissa came out on the other hand.

13. At the age of 18 I bought a house. Now my aunt rents it from me. It's an awesome tax deduction.

14. I used to work at a fondue restaurant for 3.5 years. Then one day I walked out and never went back.

15. I am a strong believer in karma. What goes around always comes around.

16. I have two tattoos and am working on my third.

17. And 7 piercings. I used to have more but I get bored fast and take them out.

18. I am addicted to Starbucks. I get a venti iced soy upside down carmel macchiato when it's warm out side and a venti soy extra hot chai when it's cold. It's a very expensive vice.

19. I don't believe in Christmas, it's too over the top and I don't really buy it.

20. I study Latin. As well as French and Italian even though I live in New Mexico and half the streets are in Spanish.

21. I'm a visual learner which also translates into me being messy. I just like to see everything, if I don't I forget I have it.

22. I'm old fashioned when it comes to relationships and will never live with someone unless we are married. Been there, done that. I don't care how much money it will save "us". If you would like to play house with me, let's make it official and at least buy me a ring and have a kick ass party surrounded by the people we love. Plus, we could even get housewares. Think about it...

23. I once got regressed and was told I died in a gas chamber at the hands of the Nazi's. Maybe that's why in this life I'm a blond haired blue eyed Aryan child who hates the sound of the German language and is converting to Judaism.

24. When I was around 7 I got ran over by my own bike. Twice. In the same week. By my best friend at the time.

25. Quitting the ganja was the easiest addiction I have ever had to break, it was all mind over matter.

Pretty On The Outside

2008-07-02T15:02:00.004-06:00

I was is such a wonderful mood yesterday. I got up and got ready, put on my $200 Coach shoes, jeans that make my ass look great, applied makeup and accessorized. I was looking mighty fly and my mood reflected that. Throughout the day I got so many compliments on my shoes that I had three different ladies stop me and ask me where I go them, "My birthday from Llama," I replied and went skipping along in my 4 inches of awesomeness. I was in such a good mood even my dentist noticed the change in me. I thought maybe July would be different than the first half of 2008 and smiled to myself when I passed out last night.

This morning though the sparkle has worn off and I have turned into a raging bitch. I'm picking fights with everyone in my path, no one is spared. I have no idea why I am acting like this today. Maybe it's cause I haven't really eaten in two days, but I haven't been hungry.

I need to shop my anger off.

Stolen Ideas

2008-07-01T11:33:00.003-06:00

Happy July!
I stole this from Alex's Myspace bulletin so here I go...

1. I've come to realize that boobs... that mine rock and will be super sad when they fall to my ankles
2. I've come to realize that my job...gets the best of me some days, but I really love it
3. I've come to realize that when I’m driving..that I'm not the best driver hence my accident a month ago
4. I've come to realize that I need..to look at more art and do things that are just for me
5. I've come to realize that I have lost....my path, but I'm slowly getting back to it
6. I've come to realize that people...are insane and some are more fun that others
7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...I talk a lot of shit and may throw my guts up-oh birthday memories
8. I've come to realize that money...comes and goes
9. I've come to realize that certain people...will find that karma is a bitch
10. I've come to realize that I'll always be....a nerdy book worm that uses big words
11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on...Jewish doctors and a certain boy who doesn't believe in engagement rings
12. I've come to realize that my mom....is a person just like me with faults
13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is...an extension on me, I would be lost with my blackberry
14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...that life is what u make of it, so I put on $200 shoes and makeup on
15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep....that u can't always get what u want
16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about....NYC in October and how excited I am
17. I've come to realize that my dad...is old
18. I've come to realize that Starbucks...it utterly fab and expensive
19. I've come to realize that today ...I get paid
20. I've come to realize that tonight...have nothing planned except going to the dentist
21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will... go to work and organize other people's lives
22. I've come to realize that I really want to...be a doctor who majored in Art History and studies Latin

Resolve

2008-06-30T13:42:00.003-06:00

There are some days like today where I wish I had a different life, to not be where I am currently standing-anywhere but here. I feel half full, unfulfilled like many empty promises that I made to myself are strewn around my mind like my messy apt. I have the urge to run away, flee and get in the car and drive east stopping when I see something that catches my eye. This is what happens when I am not in school, my mind is messy and unfocused. I look around at others life's and start to compare mine to theirs.

But it's just appearances and I have to remind myself that it most likely isn't what it appears to be, "Maybe they aren't so happy behind closed doors," I repeat to myself. At the beginning of this year I vowed to get back to myself, to take more pictures, and to get my ass in shape both physically and mentally. And now that June is closing, I'm past my half way mark and I'm freaking out. It's July and I haven't really gotten anything off my list that I wanted to. Treading water and going no where fast is the name of my game.

So what do I do, where do I go from here? I feel like I need a change, a routine. Not to be sleeping at boy's house every night- where is the chase in that? Not to neglect my laundry for two weeks and freak out when I have nothing to wear. Not to eat out every meal and skip breakfast. To try to not get mad at boy when he asks 45 questions in a row- don't judge just cause he is curious. So here is my resolve to get back on the wagon and start living the life I want.

Stupid Conversations

2008-06-27T13:56:00.003-06:00

I feel so frustrated with life and this hopelessness is resonating into every pore of my being. I'm not happy and feel stalled, stuck in the same place. The boy and I constantly go back and forth bickering about the stupidest shit ever. Our conversations go like this:

S: I'm not happy
J: I'm sorry
S: And you never fix shit when I tell you I'm unhappy
J: Well that's just how I am
S: And you never touch me and that's just strange
J: Well that's just how I am
S: I hate you
J: You want to hang out?
S: Sure

See so freaking retarded. I need help stat.

Random Things I Have Learned This Week

2008-06-25T16:01:00.003-06:00

1.Have you ever heard of giving someone a Cosby Sweater? OMG so gross, please click here if you have never heard of it http://tiny.cc/SCIDr

2. I'm not pregnant, not that I ever in a million years thought that I was, I just had to take a test in order to get my depo shot since I was 23 hours late on getting it.

3. I can somehow loose band aids. If found, please come find me.

4. My boss J, has learned that dancing=picking up chicks at bars. We call it fully clothed foreplay.

5. I forgot how bad cramps hurt. So painful being a girl sucks.

6. That getting all four of my wisdom teeth is going to be cheaper than expected.

My New Theme Song

2008-06-25T13:26:00.000-06:00

Damien Rice - Woman Like A Man lyrics
I need a piss, Wanna hate,Fuck it up, come.
My love, Each and me,Keep your teeth, wrong.
You’ve lost me,You caused meYou taught me a million
Whip backWalk me to,Stupid fool
You wanna get bonedYou wanna get stonedYou wanna get a room like no one elseYou wanna be richYou wanna be kitschYou wanna be the bastard of yourselfYou wanna get burnedYou wanna get turnedYou wanna get fucked inside outYou wanna be ruledYou wanna be fooledYou wanna be a woman like a man like a woman like a man
A woman like a man like a man like a woman like a man, you like a man.(I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)Woman like a man woman like a man like a woman like a man woman like a man(I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)A woman like a man like a man like a woman like a man, woman like a man(I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)Woman like a man like a man like a woman like a man like a man(Really wasn’t worth the ride)
Need a hitWanna waitSuck it up, cum
My love, Each and me,Itchy feet, run
You reach meYou bleach meYou teach me a million familiar
Whip backWalk me toStupid fool
You wanna get bonedYou wanna get stonedYou wanna get a room like no one elseYou wanna be richYou wanna be kitschYou wanna be the bastard of yourselfYou wanna get burnedYou wanna get turnedYou wanna get fucked inside outYou wanna be ruledYou wanna be fooledYou wanna be a woman like a man like a woman like a man
A woman like a man like a man like a woman like a man, woman like a man.(I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)Woman like a man like a man like a woman like a man like a man(I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)Like a man like a woman like a man like a woman like a man, like a man(I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)Woman like a man woman like a man like a woman like a man like a man(Really wasn’t worth the ride)
[Instrumental]
Oooooooooh oooooooooooooh
You wanna get bonedYou wanna get stonedYou wanna get a room like no one elseYou wanna be richYou wanna be kitschYou wanna be the bastard of yourselfYou wanna get burnedYou wanna get turnedYou wanna get fucked inside outYou wanna be ruledYou wanna be fooledYou wanna be a woman like a man like a woman like a, like a man
Like a man like a man man man man man man man man man manLike a man man man man man man
Like a man
Like a man like a man like a man like a man,(I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)Woman like a man like a man like a woman like a man like a man(I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)Woman like a man like a man like a man, like a man(I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)Woman like a man like a man like a man (Really wasn’t worth the ride) (Really wasn’t worth the ride)
Woah oh like a man like a man like a man like a man(I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)Like a man like a man like a woman like a man like a man(I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)Like a man like a man like a man like a man (I’ll get a cheaper ticket next time)A woman like a man a woman like a man like a woman like a man like a man oooh(Really wasn’t worth the ride)

Song lyrics  Woman Like A Man lyrics

Friday Friday Friday

2008-06-20T17:18:00.002-06:00

It's Friday bitches and after this pseudo strange week I am ready to get out of the house and be social. I have a cute dress and some hot shoes (I always have super hot shoes, it's my weakness) and Liz and I are going out to dance. We are hitting Q bar first at 9:30 then maybe it's off to Sauce or Raw to get our groove on.

All are welcome to join, we'll be the one's in our own little dancing world.

Chillaxing

2008-06-17T14:27:00.002-06:00

I wish I had some super cool amazing stories to share with you blogsphere, but alas my life has been fantastic but pretty chill. I have been hanging out with boy almost everyday and to say the least it has momentum. Where it is going to go, I have no freakin clue, but I'm ok with that right now. Now if he would only answer me on google chat....

I Know It's Been Awhile, but I'm Glad U Came...

2008-06-11T16:31:00.003-06:00

Current Theme Song: Britney Spears "Break the Ice"
For reasons unknown to me this is my current jam

Today I became a boss, I have someone working under me. How crazy is that? Lil ol' me a boss with better pay and less work to do. Insane

23 is Looking Sweet

2008-06-10T15:04:00.006-06:00

First post at 23 and I'm already slacking, oh well let's just say 23 is off to a running start that is pretty damn good to say the least. I don't wan to give away too many details, cause we all know I don't kiss and blog, but unexpected things have happened in a great way.

On Saturday night Liz and I went and saw SATC, which was really good by the way. If you didn't watch the show though I don't really know how into one would be, ya know? However, Liz and I are avid fans and considering SATC was my saving grace for oh about 6 months in 2007 it was nice to check in with the ladies who kept me occupied in my loft.

After the movie Liz and I headed to Q bar to meet up with some work peeps and we ended up meeting this kick ass girl, she was super cool. I drank way too much too fast and as soon as I knew it, I was literally falling to the ground, dizzy, and out of my mind. Thank G-d for Jacob and Liz who took amazing care of my birthday drunk ass, even if I did end up sleeping in my smelly bra and jeans throwing jager up and proclaiming to anyone who would listen, "I'm NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!"

So yea my 23 year celebration was fun of what I can recall and it has only gotten better when the world stopped spinning and I was able to eat and keep anything but water down. Ready for some fun pics though? I am!

These are the super hot shoes I got from Llama and promptly began to fall all over myself in. So pretty!

Me and Liz before I got really sloppy, I know it isn't the best pic ever but it's the only one we have.

So there you have it kids, I would divulge more info but we know who reads this blog and that would just give them more than they should know currently. Everything is new and still trying to find it's course and I really don't want to jinx it. And who knows I may tell the world what is really going on and then *poof* it may go as quickly as it came. But I will say it brings a smile to my face daily and that's all that counts right?
Lots of love and good karma to all...

Reflections Aren't Quite What They Appear

2008-06-06T12:34:00.003-06:00

I feel really spacey today like I could just float away out of my body at any given moment today. It's quite strange.

My birthday is fast approaching and I just keep thinking about my last birthday where I go too tripped out for my own good and ended up bawling my eyes out on my bathroom floor in a mass of disgusting loneliness and self-misery. I consider this my rock bottom that I needed to hit last year and to be honest I think I am still on the up swing from it, not full recovered still feeling the tiny rippling aftershocks.

Twenty Two was an ok birthday, much better than my 21st where I took a Chemistry test and went to school, but after Liz left to go back home to Phoenix I just kinda lost it. It hit me how really alone I was and it was from that moment on I got my ass into therapy just so I could breath again. And my G-d did it help. I dissapeared from the life I knew, lost my job, changed my phone number, and pretty much lost touch with everyone except Liz and my family only because they wouldn't let me.

And here it comes again, my birthday on Sunday and while I'm looking forward to my 23rd year I just can't seem to break through my expectations of where I thought I would have been and where I am currently. I thought I would have at least thought I would have been on my first year of medical school with someone to love me. For reals when I was little I thought 23 was old but most days I feel like I'm still 17 trying to find my place in a big ocean called life. But then reality comes into play that I'm a senior at UNM studying Art History and have many classes like OChem and Physics to take before I can take my MCAT. Damn you super hard test to get into medical school.

Fuel to the Fire

2008-06-05T14:10:00.004-06:00

I have been trying to compose this latest blog entry for the last week with no progress. Too much stuff on my mind to really wade through and make into a somewhat logical flow. Last Friday I crashed my car on Paseo and that sucks ass. But oh well cars come and go.

Work is good, it's either feast or famine, and the boys I work with make me laugh my ass off all day. And I'm super thankful for my education on comic book movies and how retarded girls are.

Let's see what else....oh yes the elusive Adam is back in town and for the first time today we conversed via text. He wants he jacket back blah blah blah. Same old story, he hates me I'm a bitch. Now I'm just waiting for him to get wasted and call me a cunt then the circle will be complete. Maybe I'll see him this weekend, but it is my birthday weekend and we can't have any stupid boys get me down Adam and Cameron included.

Speaking of Cameron, I had this very emotional post that I was going to post a few days ago, but didn't due to the fact it was 3 in the morning and I tend to not make the best editing choices at that time. But we are better, if there was ever a we, and I'm not being a complete bitch to him all the time anymore. But he always defaults into wanting to fuck me and that's just never going to happen. I know I'm to blame cause I add fuel to the fire so I guess I should expect it. But I'm so much more than that nowdays and sometimes he just doesn't get it. He has no idea how much I have changed and grown over the last year. But we all need closure, right? Or to kick his face in, either one will suffice. I just proposed a dance off over g-chat to settle our differences and he wasn't taking it. Oh well.

So my birthday is Sunday, but I'm going out on Saturday. All I know is Liz and I are going to go see Sex and the City and then I'm going to go out, drink, and dance in Nob Hill or Downtown depending what's going on. I got some hot Coach shoes from Llama so there is places to go and boys to meet- or at least dancing to be had with my GFs.

That's all I got right now, but I must be getting back to work.

Green Office Carpet is Sexy

2008-05-29T12:34:00.003-06:00

Look what I got!

oh sweet yoga shorts, I heart you so!

Jet Setter

2008-05-22T14:53:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow morning I am heading out to Phoenix for work and will be in town just for the day.

I feel like such a grown up and I'll be all alone, in charge and responsible. Crazy feeling!

I feel so international. Wish me luck in picking up the pieces.

Where Have I Been?

2008-05-20T15:14:00.003-06:00

I have come down with a massive head cold that is only made that much worse with this season's allergies. I feel like crap and the only thing that makes me feel better is to drug myself up with lots of generic dye free anti histamines. Ahh the bliss.

On a happier front I have got two A's and two B's so far as posted grades go. That's fun. And this summer I am going to take tennis in the morning (I'm talking early 8 am) and maybe French at night. I have to see what is going on.

I was going to go back to yoga tonight, but the head stuffyness won over and I went looking for my shorts and realized they reeked like cum. So let's just say I need to buy some new yoga shorts online before my ass can get back into class. And yes those are the only shorts I like to wear in yoga, they are perfect and no I will not find something else to wear.

I haven't spoken with Adam in almost a week. We were fighting like angry Humming birds and then I got sick and the last thing I wanted to do was to call Adam and have him scream at me because it sounded like so much fun, ya know?

My office is a mess, my house is a mess, my life is kinda messy (but happy), and I have no motivation to get off my ass and help.

Tomorrow I get to get blood taken for a battery of tests. I'm so excited. I am going back to bed.

Snarkyness is Rampant

2008-05-12T15:41:00.007-06:00

So I think the end of Sara and Adam is fast approaching.

I wasn't going to write about what happened because I figured that it would all just work itself out in the end, but alas we are in two different places-almost light years apart from one another. Adam just doesn't understand me at the fundamental level and I think that he never will. He doesn't get that I don't like to be called a cunt or reminded of how I used to big of words. He constantly calls me a "Trust Fund Baby" and always tells me to "Go ask your father for money" when he gets angry. Or to be really mean, he will call me crazy like Kat, which used to piss me off like no other, but now I'm like "You haven't seen crazy" from me.

He can't even respect the fact that I have some major finals going on and is just unsympathetic towards me to the point where I just lost it today. I started to scream at him something really snarky and condescending.

Then he hung up on me and I laughed, manically like the joker on crack, which is never a good sign. So now we are "chilling out" whatever that means it's not like it was ever forever.

I need someone who is going to be nice to me especially during finals. Can someone throw me a bone or at least send me flowers? Didn't think so, boys like that just don't exist anymore and it makes me sad. I just want romance and love, perhaps someone who understands me and doesn't scream at me when he is still drunk at 8 am. Is that asking too much?

But something happened Saturday night that made me realize that there is love in the world. Jessica and Ben got engaged in front of all their loved ones at a party disguised by Paul's 50th birthday. It was so sweet and Jessica had no idea what was going on, it was fantastic. I asked Jessica what she loves about Ben and she said, "He makes me laugh." I want someone who makes me laugh with them not at me perhaps about llamas. Anywho some pics from the weekend!

Nothing too special but still fun kids!

That's all I got, now I must study for finals and run my ass off!

Dear Modern Dance Class,

2008-05-09T11:57:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to take some time out and say how much fun I had with all my fellow students this semster in Modern Dance. Since the age of 4 I have been in some sort of dance class due to my abounding energy and drive for movement and thought for a brief moment of time (like 5 years) that I was going to be a ballerina. High school came and I was in drill team and cheerleading having bunches of fun in each. Then my senior year hit and life got the best of me and I didn't dance for five years.

However, since 2007 kicked my ass I promised myself to find the "true Sara" and realized that I had to go back to dancing. This is when I found my Modern Dance class at UNM. When I registered it was the very last spot and I knew at that moment it was meant to be. Having no other true friends that go to UNM, I had to fly this one solo and I'm so happy that I did.

To make a long story short, I made some wonderful friends in this class, especially Candice-who I instantly bonded with and some people thought we were sisters, along with Amy and Jeff. This was our core group and we put on a kick ass performance that took the cake. I will never forget pasties and glow sticks.

To Ashley- thank you so much for pushing me and making me feel really connected to my body and the movement. You have brought up a passion in me that only makes me want to work harder on myself. Your patience and enthusiasm with the class is astounding seeing that you aren't that much older than me and I wish you well in your dance endeavours.

To Stewart- the live music you played all semester really made the class what it was. Your ability to do such wonderfully interesting musical mingling was such a delight. Also the one movement and music class you taught was really cool. I hope to see you around with the drum box you sat on.

To Gloves, Purple Pants, California Roll, and Myrtle- you provided Candice and I with hours of entertainment even though you had no idea we were talking about you.

I am really going to miss our fours hours a week on Tuesday and Thursday, it gave me something to look forward to just for myself. Good luck to all and keep on dancing.

Finals Makes Students Loose Their Pants

2008-05-08T13:12:00.003-06:00

So I was in my Art History II class taking my final, which I think I kicked ass on, and in walks in this guy (whom I have never seen before) in his boxer briefs and a beater with slip on Vans. I looked around to see if anyone else thought this was as wacky as I did and no one looked shocked by it.
I know UNM is a huge campus with thousand of students so I see some strange shit everyday like the guys who repeates the ten commandments over and over in various parts of campus and the Native American who dresses up in UNM lobo basketball clothing and sings off key Christmas songs, but for real they don't go to class they just hang out. But this guy goes to class like this. It would be like me going class in boy shorts and a sports bra.
It was so strange.

SCHOOL SUCKS

2008-05-08T00:49:00.003-06:00

It's finals week and it sucks ass. I'm grumpy,my blood sugar is higher than a moat, and it's almost one in the morning and my paper is due at 2. Oh did I tell you that I have a real final at 11:00 am too and I'm out of Starbucks money? (yes I know a run on, but my brian is fried). This paper isn't even close to being done and to be honest I have no motivation to do keep trying at it. I know I will wake up at 6 am drenched in sweat about all the crap I have to do in ten hours. I HATE SCHOOL WHEN IT GETS LIKE THIS! I just want to, I don't even know what I want. Thoughts of my paper and slide images for my Art History II class just keep streaming across my head, like blimp type, and it just won't stop. If all else fails, I won't go to classics but I need to, to finish.

My paper has no thesis, it's all over the place, and has just strange sentences thrown together. Oh, did I tell you that I have known about this paper for about a month. I always do this. Every freakin time. Procrastination is my forte, I'm a pro. I could teach you my skills of putting off papers until the very last minute. And the worse part? This is my major so I need to be really good at this so one day I can go to more school and sound smart to my fellow art lovers. At least it is not math, that's a plus.

Alright kids, back to paper writing. SCHOOL SUCKS ASS! Sorry if I can't spell.

Sat-ur-day

2008-05-03T18:44:00.002-06:00

Location: Office with Taylor doing "work" (really downloading songs from itunes)

Time: Too late, like 6:50

That's all I got at this current moment in time. Tonight I'm going downtown to bid a fine farewell to Ryan. I'll be back with pictures later on tomorrow. Hope you are all having a good weekend!

"Instert Title Here"

2008-05-02T17:03:00.003-06:00

It's Friday people and I'm still not caught up from last week's festivities. Oh well.

In three weeks I leave for Chicago, Washington DC, NYC and Boston. It's going to be on crazy expensive baseball/art trip for Adam and I. I'm so excited cause I'll be in NYC for my 23 birthday, which is exactly what I wanted. So yea let's hope that I get my ducks in a line and make this actually happen or else I will cry.

I go a raise at work, so that's cool.

I got nothing else today, I'm in sugar shock after eating three cupcakes.

That's why G-d Made Google Chat

2008-04-30T16:21:00.004-06:00

So yea, I just got off of Google chat with the x, Cameron (many may be familiar from the old blog where we called him sociopath). And it was very strange and I have no idea how to feel about it. It went alright, I guess. I shouldn't have even conversed with him, but then it's water under the bridge and life always finds a way to move on even if you are firmly planted on not going anywhere. I didn't scream or call him any names like I have thought about many times in my head. I was an adult, shockingly, but still there is this feeling of pain and unresolved hurt that won't go away.

I toyed with the idea of putting some of the conversation on here, but thought against it cause he already hates me to pieces. So let's just say it went ok.

Now I'm listening to Coldplay's "Fix You" and it's making me cry because it's all about fixing yourself not someone else coming to fix you, that self reliance is something that can never be taught, only learned. So I guess thank you Cameron for teaching me how to "Fix" myself.
Now if you could only work on yourself.

Last Day of April

2008-04-30T12:03:00.004-06:00

So yea, it's Wednesday and I am currently freezing my ass off in my office as I type this. It's beautiful outside, glorious, and why do people insist on turning the air down to 65? Weren't we just bitching two weeks ago how freaking cold it was outside and then you go and bring the outside inside? I'm just asking. If I was in charge it would be 80 in here and I would have a window or something too, but I'm not in charge, yet, and my suffer in the fridge known as my office. Oh well I'll just get another sweater from my car making it my fourth layer of the day and suffer making files and spreadsheets.

Today is Administrative Professionals Day, which is what I am along with many unpleasant G-d awful names that Jason likes to call me on a daily basis, and I didn't get anything from either one of my bosses. That kinda sucks. I bet they don't even know there is a day where you give flowers to the chick who runs your life and makes sure your bills get paid.

What else? The Starfizzle guy in Zimmerman, to whom I go to daily, spelled my name wrong even after I said, "Sara S-A-R-A." Then what does he go and do? He puts a G-d forsaken H on my name which I had to stare at for the duration of my Starfizzle experience. Here is the evidence:

It's not the best picture since I was running my ass to my 20th Century Photography lecture that had started, but you can see it, the elusive H. I hate that H. That H made me get my passport denied twice because of my two legal names Sara Diane and Sarah Diana (I go by Sara Diana just to stick it to the man).

What else? Oh I have new people following me on Twitter, which is oh so fun, and it makes me feel like someone wants to sit with the new girl at lunch. And on a random side note, the day I changed my picture on MySpace I got 14 new friend requests. That just shows you what a new haircut can do for everyone.

Our Song

2008-04-28T18:36:00.002-06:00

Scene: Adam and I driving in the Jetta when Colbie Caillat's Realize comes on the radio

Adam:"This should be our song because I hear it every time I am with you."
Me: "Really? That's kinda strange..."
Adam"Why?"
Me:Pulling out the mix CD I just made for him"Because that is song number one on this CD I just made you."

He reached over to kiss me and made me realize that we made the right decision to be together.

I miss him already. At least I have our song.

It's Like Camping Without the Fire

2008-04-28T17:36:00.005-06:00

It's been a few days folks and my do I have some stuff to tell all of you.

On Saturday night I went and saw Kayne West in concert and it was hands down, the best concert I have ever seen. He is such a visionary and performer that he entrances all 30,000 people who were freezing their asses off. IT WAS SO COLD! No really, like freezing and I felt so bad for all the girls wearing shorts with tank top and flip-flops. Liz and I were bundled up and almost couldn't hang, if fact Jason and Ryan left because they were so cold even though Liz and I sacrificed the blanket to the boys.

Liz sumed it up in this one thought, "It's like all the really shitty parts of camping with out the warm fire." It was so true. Thank G-d for the fishy blanket.

If it was only twenty degrees warmer we would have has the time of our lives, but alas we put up with the tundra.
Don't we look cute?

That night after Liz went home, I picked up Adam at almost 3:00 am and we were both so crabby we just fought with one another; it wasn't pretty and he was "so wasted" he didn't remember anything. Oh well, we kissed and made up and I bought him breakfast on Sunday morning. Sunday night we had Adam's farewell dinner at Casa de Kat and Cliff and hung out for the rest of the night. Adam slept his last night over at my house and we were both so exhausted from the entire week of drinking too much wine, staying up until three every morning, and making sweet sweet love that we just passed out. Then Monday came and I had to pretend to be an adult with a job and bills and crap that it's been a rough transition.

I took Adam to the airport and we said our goodbye's and I was such a big girl and haven't cried yet. It's going to be a big shock coming home to an empty bed with no one telling me how much they hate me (he is kidding when he tells me that, he just doesn't want to tell me how much he hearts me). And what is really sad is that there are no pictures of Adam and I and all our fun adventures of this last week. I planned to make fun movies on my Mac, but it never happened. Oh well he will be back in a month.....

Crazy Boys

2008-04-25T16:38:00.003-06:00

I hate boys. Seriously. They suck.

So yea, boys are so much more moody than I am on any given day. Not being around them for over a year one tends to get relaxed and not realize how FUCKING CRAZY THEY ARE! So I just got off the phone with Adam, to whom I kindly asked, "Hey I have to head over that way to get some checks signed, do you want me to pick you up then?"

Then shit hit the fan.

"Well don't you have to go back to work after that? I mean I don't really want to hang out with you at work. ALL I WANT TO DO IS GO TO THE GYM!" is what he screamed at me over the phone.

Fan. Fucking.Tastic.

I was just trying to be nice, ya know? It just makes me think and realize that I am so not ready for anything more than a five days at a time with any boy and I don't really know if he can give me what I want. Do I even know what I want?

I know I eventually want to get married and have kids, but this is years down the line after grad or medical school when I have gotten all my drunken travels and slutyness out of the way. I want a house with land and the funds to say home for four years with my kids. I want a man who can handle me and not scream at me because I asked him if he wanted me to take him to the gym.

Adam and I have hung out for the last five days almost non-stop and when it's good, it's utterly amazing and wouldn't trade it for the world. But when we are not, my G-d I want to pull my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs, "THIS IS WHY I HAVE BEEN ALONE FOR OVER A YEAR!"

He leaves Monday and I know I will be lamentimng right here how bad it sucks now that he is gone.

Oh well, I'm going home now, peace. Tomorrow Kanye!

Four Glasses

2008-04-25T12:27:00.004-06:00

There are four half drank wine glasses strewn around my apartment, remnants from our past week of drunken nights and naked sleepovers. Every time I wake up and see them they make me smile and remember the way you smell in the light of dawn and how your body feels unintentionally pressed upon mine when you are asleep. I am going to miss you when you are back to your life, know that.

Drunk Fajita Night, a Photo Essay

2008-04-23T13:15:00.001-06:00

It's two days late, but my goodness these are some fun pictures.

And so it starts, three great bottles of red and one Riesling not pictured. The price sticker just spells out classy doesn't it?

And the first is poured, I know it's blurry, but I blame Sven the Blackberry on this one I wasn't drunk, yet.

Purple lips and sediment. My G-d look at my eyes!

Scuttlers Unite!

Now things start to get a little blurry on my part....

This picture sums up the entire rest of my evening.

Cliff what did we talk about throwing signs out? Oh wait it's Pepper!

I really like my wine and my purple lips. In a few short hours I would break that beautiful glass and get the evil eye from Kat.

Somehow we ended up on the floor and stayed there for the rest of the night.

Kathy,the only sober one cause she is knocked up. Thank goodness for her!

Drunk being artistic as one can be with Sven's camera.

The glass I broke getting Adam water. Cliff was so excited that he wasn't the one who broke it. Damn you beautiful crystal glasses!

Oh man, we had such fun that night. Just wanted to share the PG rated pictures.

Lighter than Air

2008-04-23T12:32:00.004-06:00

He smelled like Sandalwood and the weight of his body on top of mine lifted the weight off my shoulders that had been there for thirteen months- my G-d it felt so good. A part of me didn't want it to happen, to break the cycle and move into the octagon, but lust won out over logical reasoning and just like that I'm back into my old ways. He leaves on Monday, only four short days away, then "real life" resumes with deadlines, papers to write, and essays to research-real life sucks sometimes. No more spending the morning in bed talking about art or all his travels around the world. There will be no more bottles of wine to share at three in the afternoon after spending all day looking for jeans for him or having him tell me my drink at Starfizzle is the most pretentious thing he have ever heard me say. Having him in my bed makes me smile, I'm in the full throws of an addiction and I just can't keep my hands or my body to myself.

How did this happen? Why do I feel like this? What am I going to do when he leaves? Who is going to go to breakfast with me? For the last year I have been on my own, working on myself, and trying to expell the anger from my body. For the first time something has released and I feel lighter than air, like a balloon that escapes from a childs wrist with no destination to go but up. This feeling is amazing, thank you Adam for giving that to me in three short days changing something in me that I have been trying to do in myself for over a year.

Let's Call This One Monday

2008-04-21T18:09:00.004-06:00

Adam:"This is why we don't date because you up everything up on the Internet."
Me:"I don't put everything up on the Internet." Runs to Mac ProBook and begins blogging...

Yea so Adam is in town now, I picked him up this afternoon and we have hung out since. I just dropped him and Jude off at his parents house and now I'm off to Sunflower to get more wine-a Riesling, a whole pineapple, and a bag of charcoal for our dinner tonight. But first Kat and I are going to the gym, cause you know that always hepls before, then its off to drink and stuff our faces.

More pictures to come from drunken fajita night at Casa de Kat and Cliff and you know there is debauchery to be had. So excited. Good thing I don't have to get up until 10:00 tomorrow morning.

One More Thing at 3:30 am

2008-04-19T03:30:00.001-06:00

Don't just tell me that I'm sexy, you need to paint and visual pictures and give me examples of what's sex about me to you. Please be creative, it's much appericated.

Silly Cake Questions

2008-04-19T02:26:00.004-06:00

At 2:15 am he sent me a text message telling me that I was sexy and it made me question his intentions. He was lying naked in bed provoking me to do the same. "Then send me a picture to prove it," and of course I obliged, it seemed right at the moment and in the end it made me feel worse off. He sent me a snowy mountaintop when he was skiing today- it made me feel special until I realized I wasn't the only one starring at the same moment. It wasn't special enough to share with just me and that diminished it.

Sometimes I just know that we will never work, he simply can't give me what I need. I try to write off his outlandish comments as he is just an immature boy and I shouldn't be so hurt, but sometimes it just hits a nerve reiterating the fact that I am just not good enough for him or anybody in my current state. I need someone to answer my "silly cake questions" with excitement and glee, not one who doesn't want to play. He scoffed at my idea of sharing our favorite books and it was in that moment that made it all to clear. You will never share in my books and therefore you will never be willing to share in my life. It made me sad I had clear visions of running around Europe with him sharing my art knowledge. But deep down inside I know that there will never be play lists made of songs that remind him of me, flowers sent just because, or diamonds exchanged and I feel really confused about of all it. No hot steamy sex with Dave Matthews jamming out in the background, no surprise birthday trips to Utah for his birthday wearing the cheeky boy shorts that he adores, and spending the entire weekend in bed.

Half the time I think he is just trying to use me for my body, trying to fulfill a three-year long fantasy of try to bang me. The other part of me wants to think that he actually likes me and maybe I should try to be nice. When I am on the phone with him it makes sense to be there in that very moment making plans for the upcoming week, trying not to let one another how excited we are to see one another. How I am not trying to let him know that I'm really freaking out over what to wear to pick him up and how many pillowcases I should wash just in case he sleeps over. Or how I have been cleaning and organizing my house for a week so I portray a somewhat normal existence. I'm not trying to let on how when I am off away all alone I think that he is just using me telling myself why would anyone like me again. Sitting on m bed, listening to American Baby on repeat still makes me so confused.

Tres Chic

2008-04-18T17:35:00.000-06:00

I got my hair cut today, you wanna see?

I think that it is super cute although Adam said it looked like a wig, which I told him that hurt my feelings because no girl wants to hear that her super cute hair looks like a wig. Plus, I have never even worn a wig and didn't really know how to take that comment other that that was mean. You can't see it, but it's two colors-dark brown and blonde on top.

Loves it.

Damaged, So Damaged

2008-04-17T12:25:00.000-06:00

Well my thoughts about not giving so much to Adam have failed miserably and I don't really know what to do about it. I feel torn about what to do, do I give in and let go of all the hurt I am holding onto from the past and hope that all turns out to be ok? Or do I just not acknowledge the feelings and try to make them subside not really knowing where they have manifested themselves from? I know I should take it one day, one conversation, one text, one picture at a time not putting the cart before the horse and not making plans more than four days in advance, but for reals, can this ever work? Deep down I just really don't know the answer to that question and am searching for it in The Beatles, Dave Matthews Band, Damien Rice, The Shins, Once Soundtrack, Danity Kane and any other soul touching lyrics that I can think of hoping a resounding answer will make itself apparent. But truth be told he provides something that is missing in my life at this very moment and if it is just for this moment than so be it, that is all life is really a string of moments somehow juxtaposed to form a constant stream; it's fleeting and I should hold onto the midnight conversations while they are there and while he still wants to have them with me.
Another part of me is just so mad at myself that I am giving into it all- the phone calls, the sending of phone pictures, the making of plans to watching movies- and for what? So when he comes into town he has someone to hang out with? I told myself, "The next one will be different, I will wait for commitment and diamonds to make sure he isn't going on walk out on me like Cameron did." And here I am again not in the same place, but in a town close by trying to pretending that I have changed, that somehow I am not the same person that I was when he left me because there was something wrong with me. I was too giving, too loving, too willing to change my life in order to be in his, too nice, too forgiving, not assertive enough to know myself. As much as I would like to say that I am miles away from that heartbroken sobbing girl curled upon the floor, I really haven't changed. I am still the same person who gives too much, loves to hard, and falls really fast without looking out for the ground below and I am thinking to myself is that really all that bad? I mean I could be the ice queen who has totally turned her back on love and life, but if anything it made realize how awesome it all can be and not to take for granted when it appears.
If anything Cameron has taught me through all of this is how you just need to love life, the good though the shitty parts, and not take anything for granted. To do what you want to do and not look back and right now every fiber in my body is saying talk to Adam, go pick up Adam from the airport, make plans for the time he is here, and not be hurt when he wants to hang out with other people. Another part of me is like, "You have so much work on yourself before you can even think of boys right now. Remember what happened with David and how you scared the shit out of him inundating him with your issues. He ran away and is now in the army-good job smart one!" I am just so confused and writing on this blog isn't going to figure it out.

On a side note, I'm sitting in the Fine Arts Library writing this and sitting next to me is a kid watching Chinese talk shows on You Tube and he has this permanent smile on his face and keeps laughing. I guess if I was going to school in another country I would be doing the same thing with The View or Oprah so I can relate. It's pretty funny to watch. I leave you with my current addiction Damien Rice's Volcano. Enjoy.

Operation No Jiggly Ass

2008-04-16T16:20:00.000-06:00

Cliff: "I'm German, so I know my chocolate."
Me: "Well I'm Dutch, so we smoke pot."
************************************************************************************
So much to talk about, where to start?

I woke up with a hunger for a cheeseburger like no one's business and dying to listen to Dave Matthews Band. It was quite strange.

I ran around like a crazy woman today for work and have finally gotten to my desk to do my actual work and it's almost 5:00 and I have four hours of crap to work on. Hip Hop is just going to have to wait for next week, hope my group doesn't kill me, but one must pay the bills although all I want to do is go to the gym.

While sitting in Bank of America for the good portion of two hours today to do a wire transfer that took five minutes, I wrote the following on Sven:

And they both smiled at one another like they both have some secret membership into the low hanging ta ta club. Gazes were meet with a simple smile saying to one another acknowledging that yes our boobies do hang low and although there are many wondrous advances have been made with over the shoulder boulder holders in the last five years, we choose to have non perky boobs. Its our stab at woman's lib and our fat husbands like it!

Mean I know but if you had seen the six, count them six, women in a row who need immediate help in the boob department you would have said something too. I almost want to stage an intervention to help humanity. Please shoot me if my boobs ever look like that.
************************************************************************************
Operation No More Jiggly Ass has finally commenced last night Kat went to the gym for the first time with me. To my surprise this Nazi trainer side of me came out and I kicked her ass. I would be screaming at her, "Give me three more!" she would finish and I would make her do a wall sit. Great fun. I'm sore all over though too in our great gym effort but it's all ok.

Adam Adam Adam, where do I even begin? Him and I have know one another since the good ol' days at the Pot and have since rekindled our friendship and it's really nice having someone to talk to about life that is not girl related. He calls me buddy and it makes me blush like a school girl and tells me I'm pretty. But he texts me in the morning-at the risk of sounding like a loon, it makes me feel special that someone, anyone, wants to speak to me since it has been months since anyone has even wanted to talk to me. Tuesday I spent upwards of seven hours texting with him back and forth, I mean I have never done that with anyone much less Adam whom I have known for years. But part of me feels guilty maybe it's cause I don't think that I deserve to have someone to talk to in some demented way but it feels really nice.

Anyway, he will be in Albuquerque on the 21st of this month for a week and I just hope that it doesn't end up like the David disaster of March 2008. But truth be told I'm anxious and excited to see him in person and have since decided that I need a manicure and pedicure along with a MysticTan. We are making plans, not dates we are not dating, to hang out next week. I'm going to take him out to dinner one night and I think that it will be super exciting.

But the negative creeps up and I fear like I'm giving him too much at times not letting him chase and this one, like all the rest, will end up in flames smoldering like California with nothing but time to extinguish them. I am making myself too available, telling him too many secrets sober, and giving him what he wants-I need to stop this addiction to the attention that has only been going on for a few days. This why friends don't let friends have constant access on their Blackberry to boys who like to text back. This is why I have been on a boy break because I give myself too much and forget who I am. Plus the last one turned out gay so....

Blurry Eyes

2008-04-13T15:52:00.001-06:00

Can you believe it's Sunday already, which means Monday is just around the bend and the cycle begins yet again. No fun.

Let's see what I can remember about this weekend. Friday night I went to the gym after work, which was a true test of if I wanted to go because a special event was going on and parking was no where to be found. But I made it and did my three miles along with my "circuit" leaving me to feel like a bad ass. After that I went to go pick up Ryan from work (and waited for him for almost two hours) and while I was there I saw my boss, J, with these two young girls who instantly looked me up and down in my nasty gym clothes and gave me the dirtiest look I have gotten in awhile. I just laughed knowing how much shit he was going to talk about them when I saw him next. Sure enough, I saw him Friday night at two in the morning and he proceeded to tell me about all his exploits of the evening. Stupid girls.

Saturday I worked at the salon and had to listen to all the prom girls, giving me a headache and putting me in a foul mood. I got into this funk after that which was unshakable for hours after. Nothing could cheer me up, even seeing Liz didn't make me feel that much better. The only thing that worked was sleeping it off. Maybe I'm hormonal or something. It was not fun. The only fun thing that happened on Saturday was Angie playing with my hair resulting into a cool up-do.

I know it's not the best picture and don't you love the Blackberry shadow.

The other isn't so hot either, but hopefully you get the gist.

Now it's Sunday and I have been at work since 11:00 am and it's just now turning four, doing spreadsheets and payroll that is due tomorrow. My head is hurting and my eyes are getting blurry. Then at 7:00 I have to go and finish working on our Modern dance thing and all I want to do is go home and sleep the rest of the day away. Oh well, things must be done.

Random Question: Have you hear the Once soundtrack? It's fantastic and if you haven't seen the movie you should definitely do that too.

Back to the Spreadsheet I go.

12 Things That Annoy Me at the Moment

2008-04-11T17:31:00.000-06:00

That Adobe reader has stopped working on my office computer at 5:00 today for no apparent reason. My work like revolves around Adobe reader and I can't do a damn thing about it.
That the CS3 Master Collection I had installed on my computer won't let me open anything. You click on it and still nothing. It worked before and not it's not doing anything I want it to.
The five dollar iced latted I just purchased isn't working on my mood. Tasty, but I'm still bitchy.
My playlist just stopped prompting me to do something about it. Now I'm venting in silence except for the click of my keyboard, which needless to say is just making my mood worse. But it's not like Dave Matthews Band would fix my mood.
I hate Excel. It's a bastard.
I need gas and it's so freakin' expensive and yes I know it's going to be really bad this summer.
I don't get paid until next week which means I can't drink my money away like I wanted to, please see #6.
It's freakin freezing outside with this howling nasty wind. It's April let's get on with the nice weather already.
My x wrote me last night and he is still a bastard. Well, that kinda makes me happy....
I'm still sitting in silence.
My ranting e-mail buddy is no more and that makes me sad.
I really don't want to go to the gym, in the cold, but I have to. I know that will make me feel better. I wanted to wear my cute Nike shorts, but it's too damn cold outside.

That's all. Thanks for listening.

Naked Sara

2008-04-11T16:23:00.000-06:00

Barista: What can we get started for you?
Me: A Venti iced soy vanilla latte
Barista: Awesome! Can I get a name?
Me: *looking around the empty Starfizzle* what?
Barista: enthusiastically- Can I get a name?
Me: *still looking at the empty Starfizzle* Sara with no h. I'm a naked Sara.
Barista: *looking caught off guard by that remark* Sara....naked

A few minutes go by, Starfizzle is still empty
Barista: I have a venti soy iced vanilla latte for naked Sara

________________________________________________________________

I just ventured out of my office for the first time to make a deposit at the bank.

Mental Note: Never go to the Bank of America in Uptown at 4:00 on a Friday to deposit cash, it's super busy (duh smart one) and you might get shanked. PS why are all the signs in Spanish? I know we are in New Mexico where half the streets names are Spanish but there is only one teller that actually speaks Spanish and we are in one of the nicest part of Albuquerque....

After that I rewarded my self with a small piece of heaven. Behold the almighty Starfizzle...
Do you like how my stapler is placed beside it so you know that I'm actually doing work, not just sitting in my office eating Madeleines contemplating life.

Now I must be getting back to working only one more hour than I am free to go to the gym!

Pizza Virgin

2008-04-11T12:49:00.000-06:00

I have been lazy the last few days on this blog, but I blame it on my Art History and Latin tests that I had Thursday and Friday. My apologies.

Top Chef night, which happens at Casa de Kat and Cliff every Wednesday, has risen to a new level with the addition of Make your own Pizza Night. Now I am ashamed to say that I was a Make Your Own Pizza Night virgin until now and am glad to say that it went swimmingly. Here is my creation:

Piled with everything and the kitchen sink, it turned out better than I could have imagined. It felt really good to eat something that I know I had created, I should really cook more.

Thursday I went to school and took my Art History test, went to lectures, and then to Modern Dance where we are creating our own choreography. However, I think my group is taking this assignment (that is only worth participation points) way too seriously because it's been two days of working on it in class and we still only have 7 eight counts of the 40ish that we need. We are going to work on it Sunday to finish it. That is what happens when you put four overzealous college students whose worth is measured on how much better our dance is better than the others; we are insane perfectionists. Our concept is really cool with our music that we are caught in a storm with my partner and I being that rain/ocean and the other pair being the "lovers" caught in the storm looking for refuge. See I told you we are taking this to the extreme.

Thursday night I went back over to Casa de Kat and Cliff and watched Step It Up and Dance with Kat and Kathy and then went home and passed out. Good times. Now it's Friday and I'm in my office getting ready to do a huge spreadsheet that takes me days to compile information on. And guess what, it's due Monday! I do this every time it's due, procrastinate until I start to hyperventilate. But it always finds a way to get done, somehow. Maybe the spreadsheet gnomes come and fix it for me?

I hope the spreadsheet gnomes make your day, peace.

The Rain in Albuquerque...nothing rhymes with Albuquerque

2008-04-09T16:35:00.000-06:00

Where to start?

Well it's raining here in the desert which means no one can remember how to drive and guaranteed that it will be one messy commute, but we needed the moisture so bad that this is nothing but fantastic.

My IT guy, Robert, was in my office for hours installing updates-this is why I have a Mac- and we still couldn't map the drives together for the printer. So, he has to come back on Friday and give it another try. Good Times, good money for him!

I have an Art History test tomorrow that I just started reading for. In my defense it is the second time I have seen this material and I just need to get the dates and location right and I should be fine. But I'm out for blood this semester with my grades so anything less than a solid A will just not cut it. Oh well it is not even five so I still have hours to look at the information and read.

I didn't make it to Hip Hop today with the IT guy just leaving and the rain I would never make it from the heights to UNM- it's just not going to happen. Oh well I'll still make it to the gym sometime today between now and ten when they close, hopefully. Tonight is Top Chef too.....what is a a girl to do?

On a side note, I should not search MySpace or Facebook for old boyfriends especially ones who broke up with you, peeped on your heart, and left you in the fight for your life. When I signed up for Facebook it sent invites to all the people in my address book including the gay ex. To my astonishment he agreed to add me and I have been on a recon mission to snoop and pry. It only left me feeling worse and sick to my stomach. Seeing him happy and living his life is just making me feel inadequate. It's been over a year for crying out loud and I still get to this point all over again- feeling like I'm worthless because he left me and went on living his life. Half of me wants to crawl into bed watching Will and Grace eating a box of donuts; the other half is saying, "Get your smart beautiful ass to the gym and study for your Art History test so you can get the hell out of New Mexico and meet your handsome Jewish doctor!" Hopefully the later wins out, but some days I fell like shit and get closer to the person I was and it's just not pretty.

I got my first follower on Twitter yesterday, a cute boy who is in Sweden currently, good times. That's all I got.

Creepy Craig's List

2008-04-06T15:40:00.000-06:00

I found this creepy post on Denmark's Craig's List:

Subject: Temporary Room for Vegan
temporary room for vegan non-smoker drinker(drugs free)
speak little or learn French
write detailed email & pic

Now here is where I'm confused, does he want them to be a drinker and yet be drug free? Do you have to speak very few words yet learn French? And why must you send them a picture? It just says creepy all over it.

Friends Don't Let Friends Drunk MySpace

2008-04-05T20:12:00.000-06:00

A funny thing happened today that I would like to share.

This morning I had seen that I had received a message from an old boy I dated three years ago via MySpace. This is what it said:

Date: Apr 5, 2008 3:51 AM

Subject: hmmmmm
Body: ever miss me?

Seriously? Do I ever miss you? That's all you got at almost four in the morning. So sad, but it did make me laugh out loud for a good minute or four. I replied:

Date: April 5, 2008 3:15 PM

Subject: Re:hmmmmm
Body: No I never miss you, but looking at the time you were just lonely and thinking of all the goodness we had, you obviously miss me. Ha ha that makes me laugh.

He is so cracked out it makes me laugh and I still know that it will never work between us for many reasons why it didn't work three years ago, but the main reason is the he is super religious and that is just not how I roll. Plus, I got a great satisfaction of making his parents squirm over how different I was than their son. Telling the super Catholic that you are Jewish just brings a sick sadist joy to my soul. Bad, I know, but oh well.

So I replied, but I'll keep you updated. Hey I'll even let him buy me a drink.

I Have a Fever for Saturday Night

2008-04-05T20:04:00.000-06:00

Saturday night...with nothing to do, no where to go, and bored to tears. I thought about going to buy a pair of jeans from American Eagle, but I should wait because I'm in between a 6 and an 8. Oh the conundrums girls face.

Things I may do tonight:

Paint my toes
Clean my house
Put away my laundry
Finish my book

Not too exciting of a list for it being a Saturday night. Too bad the gym at UNM is closed now or else I would go do an hour of cardio.

Side Note, my comfy Ugg boots gave me a blister on my pinkey toe that hurts like a bitch.

That's all I got for the moment.

Good Sara, Good!

2008-04-04T13:08:00.000-06:00

I was so god last night that after my last post and some Fine Arts Library exploration, I got off my ass and did 35 minuets on the treadmill- ten of which were running my ass off. I did almost three miles until the Cardio Gestapo came with his little sign "Please Limit Cardio to 25 mins" and gave me the evil eye. So jumped off and walked to Pita Pit (side note: that place is cheap and rocks!),went to my car, got home, took a shower, and promptly passed out. I slept so good last night and had some crazy dreams involving people I haven't seen in years. At least last night's dream didn't involve Cameron and his new boyfriend skipping about, which always sends me into an existential panic.

What else? I went to Whole Foods this morning and bought $12 worth of fruit, yogurt, and chicken breasts. I was so hungry that it is almost gone already and not even two in the afternoon. Now I'm stuck in my windowless office alone with no real motivation to do any real work. I could really go for a drink right now, a Washington Apple would suffice it's afterall almost five in NYC....

It's a beautiful day today and I'm stuck inside listening to music and not doing work. No big plans just paying my PNM bill and working on my fitness. Later...

Reducing my Carbon Imprint one Insane Bus Ride at a Time

2008-04-03T19:32:00.000-06:00

In my quest to reduce my daily carbon imprint on our little world, this semester I have taken the bus to school everyday and to say the least it has been educationally interesting. This morning for example, I choose to wait for bus 66 by Central and Edith instead of taking the Rapid Ride in front of Presbyterian hospital as I usually do. To my surprise a normal pretty UNM student was waiting at the stop-such a nice change from the spitting homeless men I usually encounter at 9:30 am. I took this as a sign the bus wan't going to be that bad. Oh how wrong was I.

When the 66 bus pulled up it was packed to the gills with passengers. As me and pretty girl stepped to get on, a heavily tatted woman with no teeth started yelling, "Yall need to move back. I said move back. Are yall def?"
"No, but I'm blind" screamed one crazy back to another.

So I as boarded the cattle bus I was forced to hold onto the hand rail on the top standing next to a very odorous fat woman who kept giving me these looks of awfulness the entire time. Yea like it was my fault I'm stuck next to you is all I kept thinking. Thank goodness that it is a very short, albeit smelly, bus ride to UNM and I even got off a stop early to save my sanity. I immediately rushed to the bathroom and washed my hands. Twice.

Then after many hours of lecture in the lovely topics of Italian Baroque Art, Aeneas, and Photojournalism it was time to get back onto the bus. Now getting back home I usually get on what ever bus gets there first, the Rapid Ride or #66. Today the Rapid Ride came first and getting on wasn't such a cattle drive, I actually got a seat! As I approached my stop I spied to of the most beautiful sights I have seen in awhile- two vibrant sculptural Mohawks. I admired them from afar and got off the bus and began to walk home. However, I spied them making their way down central and snapped this awesome picture with Sven, my Blackberry, as proof that beauty still exists, you just need to keep you eyes out for it.

Here now and where to go?

2008-04-02T15:02:00.000-06:00

For the last few months since my recent update, life hasn't really changed all too much. I moved into a smaller, more affordable place that I can call all my own. It's small and the toliet randomly flushes, but no boy has broken my heart in it so that rocks!

School has been going really good and I am loving my dance classes. They have sparked a passion that was always there but like many other things, under layers of fat that needed to be exposed. Hip hop gets the best of me sometimes cause I can't find a groove, but the white girl in me is trying hard. Maybe I need a hat? Modern rocks and since we have gotten back from Spring Break it has only gotten better. Yesterday we did ab work and I woke up sore-it was great. Classics is such a wonderful class and I'm happy that I waited to embark on Homer's greatness until my twenties otherwise I wouldn't have really cared about it. My goodness the Iliad is amazing filled with such richness. It clearly shows that in two thousand years man hasn't really changed with war, love, strife, anger, and brutality.

What else? Trying to keep up with yoga, but the only time I can go is six in the morning and most days I can't get my ass up to take a shower at nine so there is no way I'm getting up at six. Plus, I'm trying to be good in school keeping up with reading and that usually keeps me up until one or two.

Work is going great. There are always battles that can't be won, but for the most part we are only getting bigger and getting steps closer to taking over the world. Just kidding.

That's all I have right now, but it's my resolve to post everyday even if no one reads it.

It's Been Awhile

2008-01-11T12:46:00.000-07:00

My goodness, I have been away for awhile. Where have you been you may ask? Well, since life is about to get a lot more complicated I have had to get my ducks in a line i.e. finding a new place to live and doing laundry.

So I think I have found a new place to live by school. And get this it's walking distance to yoga like two blocks or something like that. Also I can take the bus to school (some of you may be thinking Sara taking the bus?!) so that will save me money on gas and parking. It's just is so strange I used to be so excited to be going back to school back in October when I didn't realize how busy I was going to be. Now it's only a week away when I go back and I'm kinda freaking out. Not in a bad way freaking out just a realization that I need to get my stuff together and either put up or shut up. There is no room for error here in big kid university life. I'm now dealing with a system that uses thins attached to letter grades.

I need to get back into yoga everyday no excuses. I feel fat again no longer relishing in my new found biceps and quads. I'm getting mushy.

Crazy

2008-01-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

So Britney is finally being seen by some professional people to help with her instability. Thank G-d! I just am keeping her in my prayers that she will get some light back into her life.

Anywho, it's Friday and for the first time in over a week I didn't make it to yoga today. I was way too sore and wanted to take a day off to heal. Plus all my yoga clothes were wet this morning so at 5:15 I made an executive decision to go back to bed. So today is hydration in preparation for Saturday morning. Good times had all around.

I had one of the funniest text conversation's with Melissa today and in conclusion we are old. And slutty. I mean we were talking about things that happened SIX years ago. Where did the time go? I mean I still feel like all those crazy moments happened two years ago, not six.

This is all I have for today. Sorry it is not that great.

Lazy Asses

2008-01-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of lazy people, so sick I want to scream. I am tired of people who are not living up to their full potential just because they want to sleep in until 9:30 everyday. This is the entire mindset of a certain someone I know who can do so much yet absolutely refuses to get up and do anything about it.
"I'm tired" he says.
"Well you would have more energy if you worked out and ate something better than mall food"
"But I can't get up at 6:30 to be at class at 7:30 and it's too far" (Please keep in mind it's like 15 mins away)

Seriously, this is what I am up against all day. He gets excited about something school, the gym, or reading a particular book and then BAM the doubt sets in and then very next day when I want to proceed he tells me to forget about it. WTF? I cannot stand this toxic state of thinking. This might sound very hippy, but to be able to get up and have the body, mind, money, and resources that he does- is a gift. And for him to want to miss all these opportunities just because he wants to stay in bed for an extra hour boggles my mind.

This next semester I am going to be working at least two jobs and getting up at 5am to be to yoga by 6 then go to school until 6 at night were I have 4 dance classes on top of the other 5 I am taking. And he wants to tell me that he can't get up at 6:30 so he can work out, I'm so over the mindset.

So what do I do? Ride his ass and show him the studies that show a direct correlation between exercise and sleep? Show him that when he does start working out he will sleep better and hopefully start eating better and this in turn will have a positive effect on him total well being? But deep down I know that no matter how hard you push someone, unless they want, it nothing will change.

Change your Body, Change your Life.

2008

2008-01-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

So it's 2008, a year that ends with my favorite number, an Olympic year, and one that I have decided to figure out this life thing and set an intention. Last night I fell asleep at 10:30 and missed the ball dropping only to wake up a few minutes into 2008 becasue of all the screaming on TV. What a great way to start 2008, hope this isn't an indication of what is in store.

So as I sit in my windowless office eating oh so healthy Taco Smelly here is what I hope to accomplish:

More Bikram Yoga- anyone who has not tried this euphoric yoga, you really don't know what you are missing. 90 minutes of hot sweaty heart pumping stretching gives me the best high I have ever gotten. I feel more productive, alert, conscious, aware, toned, stronger, and sleep like a child. It's amazing, so definitely more yoga. Even if I have to get up at 5 am.
More Water-hydration, hydration, hydration. Water and me get along, plus it aids the yoga.
More Reading-anything and everything. Philosophy, non-fiction, historical fiction, magizines, and actuall school related reading.
More School-to push myself and not fall into the thinking that b's are good enough. I am smart enough and pay too much money not to get a 4.0 this year. Plus, I took that semester off so I really have no excuses.
More Photos-Goal is to document 2008. Thinking back and reflecting I have nothing to really show for 2007 except chub. Then I can use my Photoshop skills that are never really put to the test.
More Cardio-I am starting to sprout some pretty mean muscles I need to get rid of the layer of insulation.
More Appreaction-To be thankful more. I am really blessed.
More Music-less TV
More Dance-I was once a dancing fool and I am going to reclaim that.
More Social-Going out more and meeting new people.

That's all I have for right now. Hope 2008 is off to a happy start.

Going Crazy

2007-12-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't been to yoga in two days because I have had to be at work and they were closed on Christmas, but I just don't feel like myself. I'm all squishy and feel like crap (ie crawling back into bed and eating everything in sight). My back is killing me and my boss doesn't take to kindly of me laying on the floor in my office because that is the only thing that makes my back feel better. Thank goodness I get to go back today at 6:00 and then back in at 6 tomorrow morning. Maybe then I will start to get the chi a flowing and some sense of normalcy.

Well I must be going to run some errands, then it's off to yoga.

Wedding Blues

2007-12-25T23:08:00.001-07:00

Saturday night I attended the wedding reception of Michelle, my bank teller, and Jere at the Officers Club located at Kirkland Air force Base. I couldn't attend the ceremony because I was stuck at the salon all day, but the reception started at six and I arrived at seven. Now I tell you the boring details because:

I was late
I was dateless
I didn't know anyone but Michelle and two other peeps who work at the bank

Now arriving late gave me limited seating possibilities due to the fact that there were no place cards. So me walking in late, having to stop to get gas in the ghetto wearing a hot black dress and four inch heels dressed way too cold realizing that I do in fact need a nice coat, and getting lost on base, lead me to have to sit with complete strangers since the other two peeps table was full. Walking in late and cold, I scanned the room to see that the only table that wasn't empty was filled with couples who clearly knew one another. Now anyone who truly knows me, knows that I rarely have a problem making friends with complete strangers at any given moment, but I felt intimidated and cursed myself for letting myself show up without someone.

I sat down, we exchanged names and I learned that they were work friends of the groom. We made pleasant conversation you know the obligatory "Oh the venue is so nice, the colors really work well together" "The bride is beautiful" "Look how tossed the groom's aunt is" "The food is actually good" and so on. Now usually I am the great wedding guest- I always get them something from their registry, cry at all the emotional moments, dance both the Chicken Dance and the Electric Slide, and raise my glass and clink with the best of them. However this time was different and I don't really know why. Sitting in the beautiful room surrounded by celebratory energy, I felt more alone than I have for months. I had no one to dance with and no one even asked me to. I was all dressed up with no prospectives on the horizons. But there were really no cute single boys there anyway. What's up with that?

So I stayed until they cut the cake and did all the mandatory dances, and hightailed it out of there. It was Saturday night and I was home at 9:45 laying in bed watching Sex and the City pondering how my life got like this. Dateless and home on Saturday night. No one ever found anything by sitting home alone. So this was the event that broke the camel's back and have now made it a mission for 2008 to be the year of the Social Sara. You have been warned....

First!

2007-12-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

Greetings and welcome to my blog. For the last year I have been posting in the world of blogs without any critical information, but it's close to a new year and I have decided to make an avid point to put my thoughts out there with my name one them. So there you have it.

Also, due to the fantasticness of my parents I have been given the tools to support my new found ideas. Behold the beauty of the MacBook Pro! She is just so pretty that at first I didn't want to even touch her, but then logic and reasoning won out and I did take her out of the box. Who needs sex when you have a MacBook Pro?

So hello and I hope that this is the start of something good, don't you agree?

Happy Christmas!